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Disappear if I could
Saturday, December 31, 2011

I think I hate myself. I feel like running away from everyone now.

Right now I feel like I'm so screwed up, so much issues. I'm so tired of being strong now. Being strong for her, being strong for ppl, being strong for myself. I wish I could just close my eyes and be the one who's caught, held, loved, cherished. I don't want to be the one thr any more. I want to be loved without having to earn it, without being all good and nice, I just want to be who I am, weak, lonely, afraid, needy, helpless.

I want to let go so badly. But I'm so scared there wont be anyone there to catch me. I'm scared I'll crash and burn, back into that dark hole again. I'm scared once I hit there I'll not get out of it again.

Yet I don't want others to carry my burden. It's not fair. It wont be easy to tolerate all my shit and mess in me. It's a whole lot of hurts and fears, too heavy for anyone to bear.

I wish I could just disappear. Or that I should start getting everyone out of my proximity, before I do any major screw up on another life again.

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