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Worlds Apart / The Good Bad Guy
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
After some recent events, I realized when it comes to friendship, I'm all back at one.I haven't really know how to connect still. Friendship. Not sure who are my friends now, or whether I do have any.I think, when people normally make friendship, through personal communication and interaction, their worlds merges. Bit by bit, two worlds come together as one. How closely merge depends on how much both are willing to let each side come in."Personal touch"I've never really felt it. What it is like, neither do I think I actually possess it. I actually make friends without bringing myself into it, certain things of me is in there, but somehow never my spirit. In a sense, I think I would put it as people may be friends with me, but they don't feel me."Worlds"I use to love drawing diagrams for my blog when I was younger, help me speak out what's in my head. So yea, here's a little diagram about my picture of "worlds". The top two circle represents an individuals world. The left bottom represents what I think of proper friendship is. And the last... is my way of making friendship.I've never really entered in someone's world. I don't dare. I haven't tried for a long time, but the fear still lingers. Rejection has been a major part of my life growing up, any little bit of it, even a joke, could unleash all the pain again. I remember how a single comment of being called "irritating" got me emoing the rest of the day.I no longer dare knock on the doors of others. I know. I always get this fearful feeling whenever building up that friendship. Questions race through my mind if I should do this, or that, or none at all. I fear, being pushed away by others. I can't handle any interaction naturally. Either consciously or at the back of my mind I'll be considering every step, guided by logic and fear. I don't want to be rejected by others.Each time, I'm pushed away, or that I have a door closed upon, I question my worth. Guess I'm not worth it, sometimes maybe a real privacy is needed, and other times, I guess, it's just me being nothing to them. and it sucks.And hence, I grown to protect myself from that pain. It's a balance between a withdrawal and an outward giving. I think I've done well. Remember the 4th circle? the one with red and blue. It represents my way of building friendships. It's quite effective actually, just not good at it. I don't dare knock on the door of another, or even step into their world. I don't want to be pushed out, to find myself having no place there. Hence, I create a parallel world to theirs, building it up with my own cognition I have acquired along my journey. It's mostly red to begin with, built by the things I know, or understand as fundamentals, along with some subjective perceptions, things like love, value, belonging, defense mechanism, and maybe sorts that I have deemed universal. And then slowly, whenever possible, I replace what I know with what I have found out from them; the blue parts.This is why I tend to appear, and be judgmental. Much of my mental framework of someone is mostly built by me, and where there may be the correct parts, many times things are subjective and out of my own pride, enforced as correct. Got to learn really, to put down my pride. Really.I don't know. I guess most people would shoot me for my pride, or judgmental self, which I'm rightfully accused for, something I cannot deny. Though, I sometimes wish, people could enter my world, and understand mine. But hey, really, why would anyone? I'm not even in theirs, why should I expect anybody to fight to come into mine.But then again, at the end of the day, I get the best of both worlds, to protect myself, and to give, but similarly, I get both the worse. To feel alone, and that I will fail in giving my all. I'm deciding, why not, try again. It's been so long right. Maybe the world has changed, after all, the people around me are different already right.I dunno, I think I'm going to try opening my heart once more. Step out of my world. Opening up, I'm expecting more hurts might come, but I guess I'll give it another chance, try knocking on every door, if not, it always be as I was used to, alone. It's already hurting the first few days, but well, I'll need to learn to cope with the pain right. Heh, I hope things wont hurt too badly. It's comforting actually, when I get to feel that personal side of me. gonna be another learning journey I guess.
 I dont want to just be a good person, I want to be a good friend too. ----============*~*~*~*============----
And, I think, I'm quite a nice person actually. I really have that good side of me. But lol, I dont think many people know that. =P Have it hidden somehow, it only surfaces when someone needs it a lot. I just put aside everything that I am and be there for them, my raw self. but yea, I fear that personal touch and thus, I somehow have been portraying a bad guy image. A offensive persona that pushes people away. Like by my words, act aloof, the way i be mean to others. Heh, all just a way of getting people away from me.Sometimes, we reject ourselves first before anyone would have a chance to. Its safer knowing that we're the one, not them causing the pain. and that's how it is for me. I'd rather play like a bad guy and feel that my rejection is justified rather than be that nice side and be pushed away. I guess I'm too selfish to open myself fully to give.But heh, lol. It's all just for show only. There's a soft spot/backdoors to assessing me but haha, guess the defenses are working to keep people away. Well, then again, only those who genuinely want to befriend me who fight through those walls right?The recent occasions have reminded me how much I felt uncomfortable as being seen as a good person. I cant contain the idea of seeing them think im nice, giving them chocs or writing notes. Hahax. Owells. It's funny like how I've been treating her meanly, yet behind her, I've been looking out for her. But owells. hahax. Sometimes I prefer it that way. Be a masked hero :D On the surface be a bad fella, and behind the scenes do good stuff hehex. Need to train my ninjaing skills. >=]
 Labels: Me, thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
Worlds Apart / The Good Bad Guy
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
After some recent events, I realized when it comes to friendship, I'm all back at one.I haven't really know how to connect still. Friendship. Not sure who are my friends now, or whether I do have any.I think, when people normally make friendship, through personal communication and interaction, their worlds merges. Bit by bit, two worlds come together as one. How closely merge depends on how much both are willing to let each side come in."Personal touch"I've never really felt it. What it is like, neither do I think I actually possess it. I actually make friends without bringing myself into it, certain things of me is in there, but somehow never my spirit. In a sense, I think I would put it as people may be friends with me, but they don't feel me."Worlds"I use to love drawing diagrams for my blog when I was younger, help me speak out what's in my head. So yea, here's a little diagram about my picture of "worlds".The top two circle represents an individuals world. The left bottom represents what I think of proper friendship is. And the last... is my way of making friendship.I've never really entered in someone's world. I don't dare. I haven't tried for a long time, but the fear still lingers. Rejection has been a major part of my life growing up, any little bit of it, even a joke, could unleash all the pain again. I remember how a single comment of being called "irritating" got me emoing the rest of the day.I no longer dare knock on the doors of others. I know. I always get this fearful feeling whenever building up that friendship. Questions race through my mind if I should do this, or that, or none at all. I fear, being pushed away by others. I can't handle any interaction naturally. Either consciously or at the back of my mind I'll be considering every step, guided by logic and fear. I don't want to be rejected by others.Each time, I'm pushed away, or that I have a door closed upon, I question my worth. Guess I'm not worth it, sometimes maybe a real privacy is needed, and other times, I guess, it's just me being nothing to them. and it sucks.And hence, I grown to protect myself from that pain. It's a balance between a withdrawal and an outward giving. I think I've done well. Remember the 4th circle? the one with red and blue. It represents my way of building friendships. It's quite effective actually, just not good at it. I don't dare knock on the door of another, or even step into their world. I don't want to be pushed out, to find myself having no place there. Hence, I create a parallel world to theirs, building it up with my own cognition I have acquired along my journey. It's mostly red to begin with, built by the things I know, or understand as fundamentals, along with some subjective perceptions, things like love, value, belonging, defense mechanism, and maybe sorts that I have deemed universal. And then slowly, whenever possible, I replace what I know with what I have found out from them; the blue parts.This is why I tend to appear, and be judgmental. Much of my mental framework of someone is mostly built by me, and where there may be the correct parts, many times things are subjective and out of my own pride, enforced as correct. Got to learn really, to put down my pride. Really.I don't know. I guess most people would shoot me for my pride, or judgmental self, which I'm rightfully accused for, something I cannot deny. Though, I sometimes wish, people could enter my world, and understand mine. But hey, really, why would anyone? I'm not even in theirs, why should I expect anybody to fight to come into mine.But then again, at the end of the day, I get the best of both worlds, to protect myself, and to give, but similarly, I get both the worse. To feel alone, and that I will fail in giving my all. I'm deciding, why not, try again. It's been so long right. Maybe the world has changed, after all, the people around me are different already right.I dunno, I think I'm going to try opening my heart once more. Step out of my world. Opening up, I'm expecting more hurts might come, but I guess I'll give it another chance, try knocking on every door, if not, it always be as I was used to, alone. It's already hurting the first few days, but well, I'll need to learn to cope with the pain right. Heh, I hope things wont hurt too badly. It's comforting actually, when I get to feel that personal side of me. gonna be another learning journey I guess.
I dont want to just be a good person, I want to be a good friend too. ----============*~*~*~*============----
And, I think, I'm quite a nice person actually. I really have that good side of me. But lol, I dont think many people know that. =P Have it hidden somehow, it only surfaces when someone needs it a lot. I just put aside everything that I am and be there for them, my raw self.but yea, I fear that personal touch and thus, I somehow have been portraying a bad guy image. A offensive persona that pushes people away. Like by my words, act aloof, the way i be mean to others. Heh, all just a way of getting people away from me.Sometimes, we reject ourselves first before anyone would have a chance to. Its safer knowing that we're the one, not them causing the pain. and that's how it is for me. I'd rather play like a bad guy and feel that my rejection is justified rather than be that nice side and be pushed away. I guess I'm too selfish to open myself fully to give.But heh, lol. It's all just for show only. There's a soft spot/backdoors to assessing me but haha, guess the defenses are working to keep people away. Well, then again, only those who genuinely want to befriend me who fight through those walls right?The recent occasions have reminded me how much I felt uncomfortable as being seen as a good person. I cant contain the idea of seeing them think im nice, giving them chocs or writing notes. Hahax. Owells. It's funny like how I've been treating her meanly, yet behind her, I've been looking out for her. But owells. hahax. Sometimes I prefer it that way. Be a masked hero :D On the surface be a bad fella, and behind the scenes do good stuff hehex. Need to train my ninjaing skills. >=]
Labels: Me, thoughts
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