profile journal archives others follow+
Stabbing My Heart
Thursday, January 6, 2011

Feeling pretty heartbroken now.

I think I probably am not worth anything enough for you to care.

And it sucks how much I wish I could give up and throw away everything, yet for the sake of love and selflessness, I'm still hanging on. With the last bit of my strength.

Even though no one gives a dam about that. Probably you too. Makes it feel so pointless. Does it even make a difference to you, do you even care? Or am I just that nobody you can walk out on, just like everyone else.

Baaa. It sucks, when I'm fighting this all alone. Doesnt do me any good at all, whenever you tell me to forget everything and give it up.

I dont want to tell you how much I'm struggling. You don't even care anyway. Yet with each tiny hope to believe a miracle, I only prove myself to be a fool. And yet I still go on.

Hais. I wish I could just drop everything, and forget. Why the hell do I even continue this, the way you treat me sometimes.

I'm such a bloody fool. I know I suck, I aint the best fella one could ask. Feel like shit each time I hurt you as well, with my selfishness, being in my own comfort, don't doing enough, being dam insensitive, being an idiot. I condemn myself each time I see you bleed. Yet after all that, I keep hurting you over and over again. I should stop trying to be someone to you. I'm not even worthy to be your friend. Maybe that's why I deserve all this.

I think it's all lies when you say I'm something. Even if I do, I'm probably just a slightly more important, piece of trash. Something worthless enough to throw away anytime, whatever the reason.

After all this, it'll only be back to square one. A heartless bruising for me being a loving fool. Why.

Love holds me together each time you tear me apart. I cant even bring myself to blame you. Why do I have to go through all this heart-aches. Why would you bother anyway.

Maybe it's just my way of selflessness. Suicide towards you. Having no meaning in myself. Keeping in the faith something good will turn out for you. Even if it is something as little as a single smile. Even if it means stabbing myself in the heart every day.

I've lost myself at this. I could go on in circles about how much I want to leave you, yet I'm incapable of turning my face away. At the end of the day,

I selfishly ask myself, what do I get out of all this suffering. If things are good, you'll walk out of this 3 years having gain something for a moment, even if things had to end. Whereas I, will be out bloody and bruised. I'm dumb maybe, to keep giving when I unneeded.

I hate you with my flesh, but I love you with my heart.

Why.

Labels: ,