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Pursuing One
Tuesday, January 18, 2011




I find myself feeling somewhat awkward, somewhat guilty.

There isn't much to explain. I think I belong to thesame category as "you". Heh, being that semi introverted-small-social-capacity fella, others are often the one initiating the conversation. I wonder if they feel bad about doing so as mentioned in the that note. Do they get tired of saying the first hi? Will they stop?

It isn't always that I don't want to talk to people, but it doesn't cross my mind to say hi to someone. I don't know why.

I've once been a pursuer in a friendship where I was always being the first to start a conversation. Everyday. Maybe it was passion fueled, but deep down was a sorta-grudge about me always having to be the initiator. To the point where the other person saying hi was always beyond what I expect, surprising me so.

I think that's why my msn is quite quiet as well. There's only a small number of people I talk to. I'm guessing after awhile, everyone gets tired of talking to me. Haha. I'm fine with the silence, in fact I like it. I dun think anyone is an annoyance, though I think it's natural that people might feel so.

Baaa, think I should learn to "talk' to more people ._. Though I'm unsure how. Just that I feel bad of people making efforts to build a relationship whereas I'm being quite passive and difficult to be with. It doesnt take a lot of effort to give a reply, or randomly say hi to someone, yet I find it quite taxing to. I don't like the burden of keeping a conversation alive.

I'm at a loss of words mostly too, whenever I need to start up a conversation unnaturally. I rely most on a guided script of the common questions people ask. I'm not sure how to hold a genuine quality conversation, and I'm quite envious of those who are able to benefit from that privilege. I find myself quite self-absorbed in my own world I forgot how to connect with others. Or that I've been quite alone during the past.

I wonder how many people I've unknowingly hurt in whichever small or big way in the way I am. I stop though whenever I think of those who want to be friends with me. Dare not imagine of me being of any interest, or intent to others for friendship, though people tell me otherwise.

I think I fear that intimacy. Not sure why, but it's a bit like that awkward feeling when someone gets too close, for example hugging you. Yea, it's fine but just weird. And that's a bit of what I feel when it comes to people and relations. I feel awkward with relationships, though I enjoy and like it. Maybe it's because of my lone past, void of genuine relationships, thus adapting and mirroring it.

I'm highly aversive in blocking others. And I'm so good that I can hold substitute connections that work but are not genuine. It still functions, but with great limitations. Even my words holds a subtle hidden cold wall, discouraging others from approaching me.

Whatever it is, gonna have to learn how to talk to people. Look into their world. I need to open up myself, and learn to embrace.

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