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Crossed The Line
Saturday, January 22, 2011

Hey, it's late so I'ma squeeze out a post.

Heh, recently one of my friends came up to apologize for saying something to hurt my feelings. Heh, appreciated her for being able to come up to me and say such thing. Secondly, while she explained herself, I realized how much I was quite self absorbed that day, so much so I neglected theirs, and especially her feelings ._. Kept pushing for what I wanted, that I failed to consider the lives of others. Pfft ._. selfish raawwr.

And it shames me so that I couldn't give my reply to her personally on that spot. But I'm sure she'll understand. Sorry, and my sincere apologies.


Second one.

It's annoying when people read a few posts off my blog and make judgments or misinterpret without knowing my writing style. Posts, with emo tags, are never meant to be taken literally, but unfortunately so did some ppl read so. I guess whatever it is, I bear the responsibility of the written posts.

Anyway. A chat got me reflecting on my past acts pertain to the main comm. I'll just put it straight. I feel utterly anguished over some wrongs I have done.

Two main points, one of me berating the comm, the second of me crossing the lines.

First one. Heh. I still have a major pride issue yea. To berate and shoot down the comm is placing myself above them, which I am in no position to, aside from pride. Besides, it brings a judgmental aspect as I truly don't know what's the internal matters, something that cant be discounted.

And me going to the point of saying them suck was pretty, I dunno, quite a bloody mean thing to express. Hais ._. Wherever went my nonjudgmental side of me. I'm at a lost of myself actually.

The second part of my crossing the line covers anything I done out of pride, impulse, dishonour, anger, impatience and along the line. I dont retract my actions for things which I felt was necessary but of course rarely so. But heh, for those moments out of heat when I find myself out of line, I immediately take a step back ._.

Actually, I don't what's up with this. I just feel really bad, reflecting upon my past, along with someone's feedback, that heh, I did my wrong. Anguished by it.

*emos a bit...*
Anyways, I dunno. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm anything to them. I'm not asking for credit or sorts, though I don't really have a place there. I know I'm a somewhat an extra but my heart yearns for that place. I'm not just in it for the power (to make a change), I'm there for the people.

You guys after all, were the people I "grew" up with. You all were my friends. And it hurt me a whole lot, to see all of you move on to another level while I'm left behind. A deep piercing pain. Some of you may defend by saying the bonds in the comm isnt even strong, but some of you don't even see what you all have, or are even putting to use.

Out of my own character and heart, I'm not one to sit around and wait for things to happen. I ended up creating this false sense of power in me, being my own identity, so that I could face you all on a psuedo-equal level, and to avoid the pain of that segregation. and probably out of that, my selfishness took over.

But hey, I'm not sure what I am in the comm's eyes. A bonus, a help? or... a threat? an issue? an extra? a burden? a clingy idiot who cant let go?

Hearing the latest feedback tore me inside once again. Not for anything the comm did to me. But just how much trouble I've given them, how much I selfishly imposed myself on them. I felt like I failed my own part to deserve anything from them. I... dunno. I guess, to hurt the people I love, makes me feel my worst ever.

I think, deep down, all I ever really wanted was to be part of you guys.

But my actions only made me contrary of that. Hais.

I really wished, that out of all my mistakes, I could still be with the comm, not in, with. But I think it's impossible. In whichever status there are at, I don't ever see myself being part of them. Maybe I'm being greedy, asking for something that I cant own.

I wished they'd know the pain I'm struggling with. But I dont think if anyone knows how much it is, or cares. Maybe to some, it's just a position. I only hope they can realize, it was meant to be a family.

Out of this anguish, of my pain and wrong done, I so desire an audience with the main comm. But its gonna be impossible. I really want to go up before them as a comm, to apologize for all the pride, damage and mistakes I've made. But but in emo and objectiveness, I don't think I mean anything enough to some, that my offered restitution would be worth, or do anything.

You know I secretly wish, all you main comms would know all these I have to say. Especially for those who chanced on those flawed emo posts of the main comm, that this too, of my once heartfelt words, would reach your eyes. But owells.

Once again, it's a question of value.

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