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The Abscene or Inability
Sunday, December 19, 2010

Feeling kinda distraught again. Feel as though I'm being judged once again. Over a topic that has rewrite itself over and over again.

The way I connect with people. Or more correctly so, the way I CANT connect with people.

I do admit I have an issue with the way I cant connect well with people, and often residing in my own world of deep thoughts. For that which many people complain to me about and very much so for others who feel that I tend not to return much to them as a friend, in terms of talking to them and stuff.

I'd admit I see no value in small talk. It annoys me whenever someone ask me, "so what are you doing later? how's school?" and questions like that. I don't reject the importance of small talk, and I acknowledge that it serves as a foundational relationship builder. However, I see no importance in people asking me such questions, having do no good for me, nor me.

Maybe skip the issue on small talk. Connection perhaps. I know I have a problem with connecting with others, however simple or deep. People often raise that issue with me.

But the thing is, it's not me not doing it. It's me not knowing how to do it. Maybe people judge me seeing the surface me as someone sociable or ok, but they don't really know what's me struggling, and what's me appearing to fit the norm.

Most people are unaware of my past, just like how we hardly know a fragment of any others. Maybe that's why we assume, everyone's fine and there's no struggles. I know for myself, trying to connect with others is something I have no idea on how to, aside from relying and following study notes I have mentally jolt down from observing. But the point is, it isn't real.

I get tired of trying to fit society's standards. I acknowledge there is a certain balance to meet, but it comes to a point where, if I had to be all sociable and connect-ish, it'll require a whole lot of selflessness, to discard the way I am, in a bid to connect with the people if necessary. And then, I question how genuine that relationship is.

But no. A genuine relationship requires mutual give and take by which, my complete discarding of self to connect would only ironically nullify the realness of who the person I am.

And if ever the brought up the issue of me trying to fit the norm, right. I understand, but hey, c'mon. Be real. Who's gonna accept you if you're gonna be all "reclused and chimly individualised". The problem is, no one is. However, there is a balance as well, me accommodating people, and vice versa.

But once again. People tell me I should accommodate the necessity of small talk in building relationships, that I understand. But in my inability to do so, it comes to a point where I question myself, so all this talk about accommodation, in the very end, Who's accommodating who? Me being like them, or them being me?



What if I told everyone I am autistic. Will people be more understanding as to how I find it difficult to connect with people.

May not be accurate, but say if I was one with the inability to communicate to people, however, have learnt to cognitively communicate what's inside me to those around. It may not be a genuine emotional message, but it's what I've learnt. A bit like how they use images, I use scripts.

You know, in a certain way. I think. We're forcing to these autistic kids to fit into our ways of communication. Maybe that's why we get so frustrated every time they choose to do it another way.

After saying all these, I may not be autistic, but I do in my own ways struggle with certain inabilities. However, neither am I doing nothing about it. 2 years, and I have been working and practicing, what others had easily developed, and hopefully not assumingly taken for granted it doesn't happen to all.

But my point is, can people be less judging and more accepting? Can we see pass the absence and look at the struggles? Can we in our favour for accommodation, demonstrate it?

Don't just judge what people are or are not doing; Understand why.

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