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That Annoying Bugger
Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Today felt a bit like me once again. Back to my old annoying ways after quite some time. Been rather quiet and pensive lately. Walked towards the group in a pretty calm, quiet and controlled manner. Not until i started talking where this sudden urge inside had me being all suanish and sarcastic.

Sometimes I wonder what would I be like if I'm all nice and pleasant. Maybe a little more likable? I wonder if people do have a puny grudge against my "immaturity". Well oh well, sometimes they do get funny moments, but I think they would be times where people dislike it o.O

Commonly, I do the in-your-face kinda jokes, and at times, harsh jokes, but yet all done with no harm intended. I'm sure so far, almost no one has ever not had an experience with a bad joke of mine. And I think the worse ones would be those that put people down...

And then, what would be the reasons behind all these antics, I ask myself sometimes. My lack of communication skills, and how I see it as ways to elicit responses from others? I figured that suaning one makes people response either in retort or defense, kinda keeps something going. Always happens when talking to someone acquainted.

Or perhaps, it's an act to prove my existence to others. To show that I'm noticed and acknowledged by others through their response to me. A similar trait among kids that go without enough attention/love/concern from their parents.

Or yet, maybe it's just my way of pushing others away, putting on a spiked carapace, forcing others away in an antagonistic passive manner, why though, I dunno. To keep myself from hurts? To keep others from hurts? Or to just prove to myself that my disbelief of certain matters are distortedly true.

In the end, just what am I trying to prove to myself.

Seems like it part of every factor mentioned above, maybe more. But why not in reverse be someone more pleasant. Haha, maybe feeling obliged to keep up the expectation of someone good and nice is something I'll rather avoid. Having my good works appear as bonuses and my weird erratic behaviours as "what Darren is"

Lolz much, the capacity to be someone really nice and pleasant put aside by the mere fear of expectations and self-doubt. Well oh well, at least, in their eyes, I'm someone, not that good, which gives me the liberty to slip in my inner self both the good and bad into the seemingly consistent inconsistency of me hahaa

Then again, woah to the times where the good guy within me feels compelled to surface. Man I can be such an awesomely good sucka HAHA. Funny though, having to say so much things I never would say freely without having the chills, holding nothing back, restrainless works. Haha. I laugh every time I think about the times I'm nice xD Rare sight maybe. Should keep it more a secret :D

Should it only be the times where a cry for help is explicitly known before stepping up?
What about those with silent pleas?

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