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Inner Adrenaline
Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ah crap. Feeling a bit cheated now.

It was done out of no ill intention and for the fun of it, but seeing things the way it might have been going, I wouldn't dare take the risk. The possible happiness of two friends, gaaah, I auto went into my "nice-guy" mode. Spamming all sorts of things to help try soften the situation, trying my best to make things right. And dang, in the end was just a scam.

Ok, knowing some of them might have chuckled helps alleviate the feeling a bit but... still feeling a bit uneasy about it. I have an issue with trust, and here I kinda got tricked in a way (no ill intentions) that I'll draw out the good things in me.

Hais. Firstly, that side of me is only reserved for special occasions and not something I kinda like portraying all the time. Besides, it's also a very big and personal step for me... That is when I put down all my walls, and go all out of my own comfort zone and defenses for someone. To me, it means that I completely let go of who I am, my fears, my concerns, my uneasiness, so that I can give my best to do all that I can to make sure whoever the goodwill is intended to, to benefit from what I can give to perhaps help.

Secondly, like I said, it's a time when I put down all my defenses. It means I leave myself vulnerable, in some "noble" sense, I'm sacrificing my own self for you, despite most not actually aware of what I go through to bring forth such a front. And yea, when I see something go wrong which I know I have the power to change or make a difference, I instinctively will go forward to do something. But heh, it's in front of so many people, which I normally wouldn't have, but like I said, since it concerned two people that I know, I dare not take the risk.

Please don't do that again. Yea, me being "really nice" may be something good to see, but it's really a last resort thing for me due to all the psychological process I have to go through to do it. It isn't something to be played around like that.

And perhaps you may not know my issue with trust but what you just did have shattered future chances of me "unlocking" this nicer side of me without me having to decide so much as to whether I should do it or not. You know, the next time it happens, I'm not sure if I will just go straight into what needs to be done, or waste time asking myself whether I should do or not.

In an analogy, its like someone who's afraid of exposing his body to others, but he takes off his clothes to rescue a drowning person, only to find it was just a joke, and there's many bystanders watching. It really doesn't make feel good. I hope you understand.

So yea, this nice side of me, is kinda like for emergency purposes for the people around me. So please don't use it for the fun of it. I know you didn't intend it to be and I'm not blaming anyone, I'm just voicing out this uncomfortableness inside me stating "you" so that I have something to refer to. But yea, if you genuinely need it, it'll be my greatest honour and pleasure, to see you well once again. so yea :)

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