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Never Ending Chase
Saturday, July 17, 2010

5.03

Late submission?

Yea, that ends week 12 of school term. 2 assignments due this week, 2 last, and 2 more to go the next week. The chase of deadlines seems to be never ending, assignment after assignment, having to revisit that stupid SafeAssign every other week. At least one week is over. It's been a eventful week, but life seems to be repeating its same cycle over and over again. Slack. Chiong. Regret. Repeat.

Well, at least on the aspect of life, I'm growing. Beset with problems and new challenges each day, as the dynamics of human interaction coupled with the constant formulation of theories in my mind merge in a cocktail of thoughts and new understandings.

So much has happened, and there's still so much more to do. I wish there can be a pause button in life, where I can just nua some corner of life, dun think, dun do anything and jus idle away till I'm refreshed.

Anyway, haha, love seeing how two of my friends are becoming a couple. Dam cute I tell you. awww~ HAHA, they always got this super duper cute and shy dumb silly way of doing things xD

Quite an eye opener too though. Finally for the first time I really get to see two of my friends develop a relationship past the boundaries of friendship. It seems so fanciful, so whimsical, like some magical fairy tale. hahax. =)

Hmm... I've been somewhat resolving much within the inner parts of me. Be it friendship, where I'm going against my defense mechanism, my instincts and what my heart is telling me. To go ahead and push thru the hurts and past experiences, to believe that, yes, somewhere out there, there is a hope, a truth, a real love that will be found, in a form of

I like my new status:

being a fool for a great friend. Cos I treasure you too much. I am ignoring what my heart tells me and choosing to believe in you instead.

And a really encouraging reply from a friend (surprisingly):

I think this is much more of a strength than weakness though.
To love knowing you'll hurt, it's much harder than just turning away.
And it takes much courage for one to be this 'fool'.

^^, And though time is short, I will choose to cherish that which is present I need to make full use of.

I also kinda wish life can be more than just observing. I wished I had the skill to make a change. Sometimes, I feel so unwanted, so useless, so pathetic. Seeing how I resort to lowly means to boost my esteem, engaging to annoying and childish senseless behaviour =l

What if I had the power to do more than just sit around and contemplate and my weaknesses and lack of skill. After all, I'm only a weak soul deep down with mystical strength to perform miracles. But this I shall be then. If I have to face the dust with this self, then I gladly do so, with a heartbreaking denial of myself. All I have in my dreams is to make a significant change in this world, to the individual lives around me. To know that, without me, things would have been different. I'm sure my existence causes a rift in this world, but I desire more. Fantasies will die, and dreams reborned. I will make good, even if I have to drain every drip of blood in this heart of mine.

Sometimes, I wish life could be a dream. Sometimes, I wish dreams could become life.

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