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Around Me I See Shadows Falling
Sunday, May 30, 2010

Feeling quite lost today. Something isnt right. Just strolling across Downtown East with absolutely no idea where to go. But that lostness was not on where to have lunch. Something within me just felt empty once again.

I'm thinking, all the hype of the new semster, the new friends I've made, the retarded clown to the freshies, the new responsibilities, and things that makes life more fun as it is, maybe it's overwhelm the call, my call.

Suddenly, I don't feel good anymore. Yea, to some extent some of you will scoff at, is about me being eh... popularish. I'm not boasting in any way here, just abt me somehow being more likable. But yea, am I basking too much in all the glory and attention that I forget who I am?

Whatever happened to me wanting to impact others. I dunno, sometimes I just end up not doing much. And yes, I am quite dissatisfied with myself, I'm dissatisfied about not doing enough, not being kind enough, nor caring enough. I'm not even the least bit sensitive or having the wisdom to do what's right and needful.

This dissatisfaction is something I do value, something that spurs me on for the greater good. To me, mistakes are tolerable, but perfection ought to be our goals. Perfectionist? I'm sorry no, it's just the calling for all us christians to be Christ-like. Perfection. It's practically impossible, but theoretically a possible feat. Like the vastness of space, it's impractical for distance traveling, it'll take infinite energy and mass to travel at the speed of light before the being of matter collapses. Our walk in life is rightfully the pursuit of godly living and God within us, many of us fail to realize.

I find it hard. Really. I find it hard to try to listen to everyone's woes with interest. I find it hard to catch those small little hints people give out. I find it hard to talk to everyone, and all my friends without getting burned out myself. I find it hard to think of something to keep a conversation going. I find it hard to maintain friendships. I find it hard to click on someone's name on msn and say hi. I find it hard to be responsible for all my friends. I find it hard to dare go an extra step for someone because I'm afraid I might do something wrong. I find it hard to pursue people, without letting my difficulties stop me. I find it hard to allow people to depend on me, when I cant even do that myself. I find it hard to assume others won't get affected by what I do, my introvertness and stuff.

I'd love to be such a person who can fulfill all of these. Someone making a difference in other's lives. I'd love to know that someone's life changed for the better because I did something. But I'm finding it quite a challenge. All you my friends, might be feeling some of my limitations already. Me never talking to you, not saying hi, stop conversing on msn like we used to.

I dun quite give a dam about riches, grades and whatever else the world goes for to satisfy it's selfish cravings. To me, all this are just tangible things in these world that will fade. Many trust in this for happiness. I beg to differ. This things do bring happiness, but only the temporal kind.

Money will deplete with time, and economical crises break the rice bowls of many. Grades are just scores then certify we had our qualifications, the hard work we put in through the years, but to be head-smart or heart-smart, I'll go with the latter. Being head-smart helps you rise to ranks easily, so that you can feel achieved and satisfied. Heart-smart gives you the same contentment and fulfilment in doing your best wherever you are, whatever you do.

All I want is skills and the wisdom on how to help others, be there for others when they need someone. Though I quite suck at it. I want to know how to help people, rather than all the stupid lame talk. I want to be people out there who cares enough for others. Those are amazing people.

But it sucks. Cause I cant do that. I'm trying, and I know I could one day. I dun dare allow people to get close to me. I'm afraid I'll break their hearts. I end up playing a intimacy game, where I go close to people, only to draw back from them, and then maybe try patch it up, and then run away again. Ways where I either appear mean and selfish, walk away from others, and stuff like that.

A wavering friendship to many. A fleeting cloud. I'm afraid I'm not good enough to support others if they get too close to me. I think I'm not good enough. Perhaps some of analyst would claim I'm just afraid to get myself hurt. Perhaps, but I like the way some parts of me has no selfish intentions. I really don't want to hurt people ._. I've already suffered the breaking of relationships, the loss of important ones, even the irreplaceable "only one"s. Maybe I've let my depth of self-awareness grow to deep, I end up letting the knowledge of my weaknesses stumble me. I don't suffer from inferiority complex, I just wan to pursue some kind of life that's good enough to touch someone.

I could stop making friends. That way, I can stop breaking their hearts too. I haven't got the time to think about who would miss me or such but, I don't even want a single person to feel bad about me neglecting them. But my stupid core dynamics within me drives me to do against my desires.

I'm laden with duty and responsibility the moment I make a friend. I don't how others treat or see friendship, but to me, as long as I'm a friend, I've a responsibility and duty for the welfare of the friend. Lol, I presume many would disagree about individuals owing others nothing, but I think people tend to miss out and the small little things people do that affect one another. That's the way I like to see thing, super-micro. To many, they see the air around them as it is - completely nothing. I see it the way how one molecule hits the other, how air comprises of many different elements and bla bla bla.

Life to me, ought to be spent living for the greater good of others, that's my philosophy. Others reprimand me about putting too much unnecessary burdens on myself. Making me feel bad for nothing, but my explanation to you is that, I do not enjoy living a selfish life and by this means, I do not enjoy anything that places me before others. Even if it does, it won't last. Ha, argue all ya want kay? I belief life as a purpose for bringing well-being to others.

But I feel incapable of handling this responsibilities. I feel I'm carelessly making friends, toying with their hearts and yet not doing anything right in return. Yet, when a friendship is going to the rocks, I cant help but want to try repair it, reluctant to let it go, I think I selfishly try to bring the friendship up, despite knowing that I wont be able to sustain it, and then leading it to chaos soon again. And time and time over again, I play with their hearts. I don't want to lose people in my life, I value all of them... But... I'm incapable of providing them a rightful friendship due to them.

In the end, all around me I see shadows falling, cant help but feel it's my doing. People feeling unhappy about me maybe not being as close, not caring as much, not talking as frequently. I feel like shit whenever I see one soul feeling in a negative way in some relation to something I did. It turns my world upside down. I hate myself. I think I suck.

I'm tired of being a friend. I'm tired of breaking hearts. But I dun want to be alone. I grew up alone in a dark world. I don't want go back. I want to be loved. Selfishness... Am I placing myself before others? Am I wrong to make friendships I cannot keep?

I'm sorry everyone. Sorry for everything I did to you that made you feel bad. Sorry for being so selfish. I'm not even worthy of being anyone's friend...

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