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I'm sorry, but it just wont be
Sunday, February 28, 2010

Mmhmm, so the truth's out. Tonight. No point hiding anymore hm?

I lived in empty denial through this while, knowing well you would have understood it all, but I just had to hold on to that 0.01% chance that perhaps, there was still some light. And I wouldn't want to take any small chance in having ruin this all; if it already wasn't.

Tonight, the word is out and I have to face the cold hard facts. You already knew it and should have seen through my many blatant lies. I wasn't running from you, I was running from myself. I’m quite at a loss now, living in lies was so much easier. So I will stop denying it, and present you my side of the story.

So say, I pretty much guessed you would have known already. And yet according to your suspicions and my hunches about your suspicions, it was bound to be. Especially after that night of confrontation, when my actions were misread, in a somewhat ironically good yet unpurposeful way.

Moving along, through the instability of my mind, I fought to bury the secret. Maybe somewhere deep enough that I myself wouldn't find it. But of course, there would be that little bump at where I buried it. I couldn't do a clean job, and it would always resurface.

But I had my reasons. I'm sorry. For all I knew was, there wasn't anything good in having it being made known. Nothing good would have come out of it. Rather, I supposed, things would be worse off, knowing myself. If I may further clarify myself, would be that, plainly, I'm no good.

Saying, "just be who you are" isn't enough. Because, under this facade of mine, lies a great abyss. A part of me that damaged me for life, a part I never wanted to acknowledge. There is no need in revealing this side of me, for acceptance doesn't come easy. Neither does care. Many claim of doing so, but in harsh reality, it’s quite much a discrimination to the hurting that everyone has. Maybe that's why the world we live in is quite a facade now huh? Would you rather love, or be loved?

Pardon me for my overbearing pessimism, because I had my fair share of hurts. Hurts I never want to face again, and hurts I never wanted anyone to feel. But yet, it’s something I can never escape, and probably ever not. For I can’t do this alone, and sacrifices will be great and costly for the one by me. Which is why I simply must not allow it to be you.

You know, I’m most grateful for the joyous times you gave me. Words fail to express my gratitude for even my conscious mind fails to fully grasp the appreciation of it. But I know for sure, this I will remember forever. I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

As it started out, I’m glad I gave more cheers than sorrow. But sadly, it has come to a point such as this, where smiles cease to shine, and the wretchedness of my heart overpowers me. These fail-safe procedures are what kept me going through the times of despair. I really have battled it out against myself for your sake. They say the greatest enemy is your very self. Well this fight certainly isn’t easy, so much so that I’m in utter ruins and chaos within my soul, where I am no longer who I used to be.

A familiar phrase; I walk, I fall, but I will go on. Yes, I’m not as strong as many out there, I’m frail and weak, but we all do have our needs. Needs my hardened heart says to stop believing. Which is the reason for my fortress; one which keeps people out, and keep me in.

But that experience during September that rocked my life with such intensity that totally changed me, was because I found what I had been looking for my whole life. It renewed my hope that perhaps, this isn’t such a cold world after all. The change you see, was basically my tearing down of walls, the vulnerable side of me. I kept my inner courts, but exposing a few layers clearly made known to me the disapproval of others. It’s not wrong to be me, but it’s how people responded to the weaker me.

So with a glimpse of my dark world, I hope you understand, it’s not gonna be easy to be my friend. And by friend, I mean someone’s who by my side, which you see, it’s a hard job to take. In this world, the word “friend” has been greatly overused and been taken for granted.

But say, my heart was already for you and rather than having we face a difficult storm, I’d rather weather the storm myself, and still work from my end to bring you your smile. After all, seeing you smile was enough contentment for me. I just wanted to love you, from a perspective of a friend. Nothing more. Many criticized my doing, many scoffed my heart, but I’m doing this, because I care, and I care a greater deal for you than for myself. This burden isn't meant for you to take.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t expect anything from you. I always did. I guess I ought not to, for I wasn’t worth an effort of your hands. I resent myself, for hoping, for hoping in miracles. I can’t help but feel that maybe, just maybe, this hole of my heart, was never meant to be filled. Cause I’m not the only one with hurting hearts.

And so, with no excuses left to lie to myself, I’ll leave my future as what it would be. This internal turmoil has taken a great toll on me, and I’m tired, so tired of fighting myself, I really want to return back to my recluse corner. I’d prefer having no emotions at all than to be happy, but with hurts tagged along. Cause I can’t take it, I really can’t.

I apologize for this letter’s egocentric speech, but all I hope is that you may understand my actions. They aren’t the best, but they’re the least I could do from preventing my own life from crumbling. I sincerely apologize that I’ve been unable to provide the same smiles I used to, and that I really wish that you yourself will fare well, stay happy. It’s everything I could wish for, that makes my struggles worth it. I pray that one day, I may be restored, and that, we, could be friends again.

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