Tim:
Just like.
How I perhaps look up to you/zx last time?
Nico:
Walao
why last time
Tim:
Last time.
LOL
TAKE THAT~
SUCKA
LOL
Nico:
so now you no look up to us la
Tim:
But seriously
Last time
Not to hurt you or what.
But seeing how ZX self harm himself
Seeing how you throw yourself into fire.
Seeing how you guys fall
Nope.
But I still hope to see that strong you again though.
Nico:
What did I do?
Tim:
You are not strong now
You are living on borrowed strength
Nico:
Yea, gonna be weaker in time
wonder if there be anyone for me then
Tim:
But I know you can stand strong.
Just need time
:)
Nico:
yea

And I've got to admit. I've lost it. Everything feels so mellow now, even the when I speak my words come out scrambled. Everyday feels so helpless and lonely, there's little drive to get through the day with rearranging my desk being the most productive work of 3 days. Everyday I'm just mindlessly surfing the net and playing games to numb that void in me, yet there's still this blackhole-like gravity that's crushing me from the inside.

I think some people see me as this strong person or something, had a few people complimented me. Not sure why, but it does come as an honour as well. I'd like to be seen as someone strong, nice, caring, maybe inspirational; someone looked up to. I mean who doesn't right? Though perhaps I have been fit with some of those adjectives, part of me worries inside.

Maybe it's how I re-arrange myself when I'm with others, putting the good stuff out, and shifting the bad parts in. As capable and strong as I'm perceive by some people, there's still plenty of issues I have, avidly shown to those who reads here. In all, inside I'm not as good as people think I am.

Frankly, I'm socially inept. I cant hold a conversation naturally, I don't really know how to make friends, sometimes I don't know how to be with people. I've learnt how to functionally, but I don't do it personally. At times, I question myself if I truly understood what love is, contradicted by my much self-centered behaviour. In short, relational skills is the bottom of my know-hows.

If without my pride, I wonder what it'd be like to be weak, in the eyes of people. Would they despise me? Would they be there for me? Would they stay throughout if I were to like that? It scares me sometimes, that by holding up such a strong image to others, me being weak might come as a shock, or that I'll be good enough to handle myself.

And as early breeze prepares, I wonder what it's like to be depending on others. To feel helpless and incapacitated, where you've gotta trust the people around you. Allow yourself to be taken care of. Being functionally useless, yet covered by the grace of others. When you can't tell whether you'll be left alone and the face the harsh reality that no one cares. If I liken this to a trust fall, I'll be standing on the edge, held back by pride and fear.

Though, in this journey I have achieved things that makes people doubt my weaknesses. There is comfort in hearing, but genuinely, I feel many people over estimate me when I say I'm not good. I reflected through the things I've done, and I gotta say, I know full well which were those I easily did, and which were those I struggled through with something more than my own will.

Strength, divine strength. Especially through those struggles, times when I know I've exhausted all my mental strength, each dying heartbeat calling to be taken out of the unbearable situation, when the comfort of friends isn't enough to reach me, when the pain is so overwhelming, all I want is to give up, and yet I'm still trudging on, push on by this incomprehensible force, as though carried by it. The hurts and pains doesn't disappear, but you still manage it somehow, like above your threshold. Some people told me, how does asking strength from God even make sense. Wouldn't be sure how to explain it, then again, some things cant be explained - you know it when you know it; faith and trust.

So, I'm gonna buck up. Time I turn back to God and stop relying on my measly fallible strength. Lol, I think it's quite embarrassing to be weak, but the only way to really overcome these difficulties, is to face them. It's silly how we so often stray away, and crawling back when troubles come. But nonetheless, God's strength in my life. It's good too I think. Keeps me humble. And when it comes a time when people ask me how I do it, it leaves as a testament to God's hand in my life.

27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him.
1 Corinthians 1:27-29

Labels: God, life

Tim:
Just like.
How I perhaps look up to you/zx last time?
Nico:
Walao
why last time
Tim:
Last time.
LOL
TAKE THAT~
SUCKA
LOL
Nico:
so now you no look up to us la
Tim:
But seriously
Last time
Not to hurt you or what.
But seeing how ZX self harm himself
Seeing how you throw yourself into fire.
Seeing how you guys fall
Nope.
But I still hope to see that strong you again though.
Nico:
What did I do?
Tim:
You are not strong now
You are living on borrowed strength
Nico:
Yea, gonna be weaker in time
wonder if there be anyone for me then
Tim:
But I know you can stand strong.
Just need time
:)
Nico:
yea

And I've got to admit. I've lost it. Everything feels so mellow now, even the when I speak my words come out scrambled. Everyday feels so helpless and lonely, there's little drive to get through the day with rearranging my desk being the most productive work of 3 days. Everyday I'm just mindlessly surfing the net and playing games to numb that void in me, yet there's still this blackhole-like gravity that's crushing me from the inside.

I think some people see me as this strong person or something, had a few people complimented me. Not sure why, but it does come as an honour as well. I'd like to be seen as someone strong, nice, caring, maybe inspirational; someone looked up to. I mean who doesn't right? Though perhaps I have been fit with some of those adjectives, part of me worries inside.

Maybe it's how I re-arrange myself when I'm with others, putting the good stuff out, and shifting the bad parts in. As capable and strong as I'm perceive by some people, there's still plenty of issues I have, avidly shown to those who reads here. In all, inside I'm not as good as people think I am.

Frankly, I'm socially inept. I cant hold a conversation naturally, I don't really know how to make friends, sometimes I don't know how to be with people. I've learnt how to functionally, but I don't do it personally. At times, I question myself if I truly understood what love is, contradicted by my much self-centered behaviour. In short, relational skills is the bottom of my know-hows.

If without my pride, I wonder what it'd be like to be weak, in the eyes of people. Would they despise me? Would they be there for me? Would they stay throughout if I were to like that? It scares me sometimes, that by holding up such a strong image to others, me being weak might come as a shock, or that I'll be good enough to handle myself.

And as early breeze prepares, I wonder what it's like to be depending on others. To feel helpless and incapacitated, where you've gotta trust the people around you. Allow yourself to be taken care of. Being functionally useless, yet covered by the grace of others. When you can't tell whether you'll be left alone and the face the harsh reality that no one cares. If I liken this to a trust fall, I'll be standing on the edge, held back by pride and fear.

Though, in this journey I have achieved things that makes people doubt my weaknesses. There is comfort in hearing, but genuinely, I feel many people over estimate me when I say I'm not good. I reflected through the things I've done, and I gotta say, I know full well which were those I easily did, and which were those I struggled through with something more than my own will.

Strength, divine strength. Especially through those struggles, times when I know I've exhausted all my mental strength, each dying heartbeat calling to be taken out of the unbearable situation, when the comfort of friends isn't enough to reach me, when the pain is so overwhelming, all I want is to give up, and yet I'm still trudging on, push on by this incomprehensible force, as though carried by it. The hurts and pains doesn't disappear, but you still manage it somehow, like above your threshold. Some people told me, how does asking strength from God even make sense. Wouldn't be sure how to explain it, then again, some things cant be explained - you know it when you know it; faith and trust.

So, I'm gonna buck up. Time I turn back to God and stop relying on my measly fallible strength. Lol, I think it's quite embarrassing to be weak, but the only way to really overcome these difficulties, is to face them. It's silly how we so often stray away, and crawling back when troubles come. But nonetheless, God's strength in my life. It's good too I think. Keeps me humble. And when it comes a time when people ask me how I do it, it leaves as a testament to God's hand in my life.

27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him.
1 Corinthians 1:27-29

Labels: God, life