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I miss Home.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I feel so tired. So really tired. The weird thing is, for the past week and more, my mind has been running constantly without rest, mostly subconsciously. Even when I'm quiet and not thinking, there's always this charge in my mind as though there's a constant stirring.Every night I find myself looking at my watch saying its 5.30-6.30, and shocked at how much time has passed. It feels like I'm sleeping, yet I'm thinking and what felt like 30 mins or so, has gone on for more than 2 hours. And I believe it's linked to be spike in migraine frequencies.Additionally, it feels like I've been fighting so long, the battle has been grueling. Day after day, months after months. I feel really tired, and burdened. I've been holding on to a few important things in my life, people, as best that I can. Now, I barely have the strength to hold on, and it's taken a toll on me. I dont want to go on, yet there isn't a choice. I need a break, a real one. Away from all these troubles, worries, responsibilities, concerns. I just want to be me, be the one who's loved, held on, protected. I miss home, I miss the serenity and peacefulness of a home. Family? What is family? I see 'friends' all around, yet I dont feel like I'm part of a family. It feels like I hae to work my way to fit in, or not get left out by the crowd.I really want to reach out to hold on to somebody, but I realize, and fear, that no one's there for me to hold. There's so much others having their own hurts, their own problem. I'm scared I'll disturb them. I dont want to burden them in their difficulties. I know what its like when you have things to handle and then there's someone else. It's manageable, but its hard to go all out.I want a home, a place of people I can lean back and relax on. I want a place when I can let go of everything and jump, and there will be someone there to catch me without hurting themselves. I want people that are genuine, unguarded.I want a place when I can lie down on someone and he/she is perfectly fine, not needing to spare extra thoughts to suit me. I want a chemistry so easy that we don't have to plan for one another. I want a holiday. I want a break from everything.So many things I really want now, but there is little chance for any. I believe one of the reasons why my head is speeding out so much is perhaps to find a panacea. Either through finding opportunities, or to devise a solution to get my needs met. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm fighting for another's worth, and I'm possibly shortchanging the other. Yet, I don't feel anyone coming for me. Neither do I want to burden people out. I can feel my coping mechanism (levels of annoyance) rising.I don't know. I just want to disappear from all these, pretend like I never needed to care.Labels: thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
I miss Home.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I feel so tired. So really tired. The weird thing is, for the past week and more, my mind has been running constantly without rest, mostly subconsciously. Even when I'm quiet and not thinking, there's always this charge in my mind as though there's a constant stirring.Every night I find myself looking at my watch saying its 5.30-6.30, and shocked at how much time has passed. It feels like I'm sleeping, yet I'm thinking and what felt like 30 mins or so, has gone on for more than 2 hours. And I believe it's linked to be spike in migraine frequencies.Additionally, it feels like I've been fighting so long, the battle has been grueling. Day after day, months after months. I feel really tired, and burdened. I've been holding on to a few important things in my life, people, as best that I can. Now, I barely have the strength to hold on, and it's taken a toll on me. I dont want to go on, yet there isn't a choice. I need a break, a real one. Away from all these troubles, worries, responsibilities, concerns. I just want to be me, be the one who's loved, held on, protected. I miss home, I miss the serenity and peacefulness of a home. Family? What is family? I see 'friends' all around, yet I dont feel like I'm part of a family. It feels like I hae to work my way to fit in, or not get left out by the crowd.I really want to reach out to hold on to somebody, but I realize, and fear, that no one's there for me to hold. There's so much others having their own hurts, their own problem. I'm scared I'll disturb them. I dont want to burden them in their difficulties. I know what its like when you have things to handle and then there's someone else. It's manageable, but its hard to go all out.I want a home, a place of people I can lean back and relax on. I want a place when I can let go of everything and jump, and there will be someone there to catch me without hurting themselves. I want people that are genuine, unguarded.I want a place when I can lie down on someone and he/she is perfectly fine, not needing to spare extra thoughts to suit me. I want a chemistry so easy that we don't have to plan for one another. I want a holiday. I want a break from everything.So many things I really want now, but there is little chance for any. I believe one of the reasons why my head is speeding out so much is perhaps to find a panacea. Either through finding opportunities, or to devise a solution to get my needs met. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm fighting for another's worth, and I'm possibly shortchanging the other. Yet, I don't feel anyone coming for me. Neither do I want to burden people out. I can feel my coping mechanism (levels of annoyance) rising.I don't know. I just want to disappear from all these, pretend like I never needed to care.Labels: thoughts
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