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The Secret Key
Monday, May 10, 2010
Shit man. I'm in emo phase once again. Over friendship matters. But this time, I'm just emoing over myself. Sometimes, I think I suck as a friend. Yea yea, lots of people gonna shoot me for it again, but I dunno if it's my warped thinking or a real difference in what I perceive myself as.I don't know seriously. I fail in some many aspects as a friend. I'm incapable of small talk, even the most basic form of communication in the building of intimacy. True, silence is fine with me, but I dun feel fine for the other party. At times, it saps my energy to be constantly thinking of something to say so that the other party doesn't always have to initiate the conversation. And in fact, I often have nothing to talk about other then things that I can relate to; school, cca, psychology and chim thoughts, and these aint the stuff most people enjoy talking about. Ba, some will say it's ok to keep quiet. But the thing is, yea we can keep quiet. But also I cant expect my entire friendship with someone to be purely based on silence alone. I just find more meaning in friendship then simply being friends.Even then, with my low emotional energy, I find it increasingly hard to maintain several friendships. Yes, some of you all don't even think twice about maintenance. That's how I struggle with friends. I'm quite socially inept.And the more I try, the harder it seems. Some tell me to let things be and be myself. But it's because I'm being myself which gives me all these stress. I don't want to be myself. I don't want to be reclusive. I don't want to have a little friends. I don't really want to be lonely.Hence my pursuit for bonds. I grew up without one, lived with some, and ended with almost none, and till this day, I'm half stuck between believing in the fairy tales of true friendship versus a harsh reality of individual differences so great no two could make a pair, or that the coldness of the world freezes the doors of people's heart to another.I greatly wonder. It is just a psychological affect, or could it be, there is a chance, that my self-awareness is heighten over a level which people do not understand. Or how they perceive friendship is different.Am I setting the level of my ideals too high? Lol, I think almost everyone will agree with me ba =,= But I dunno lei, friends has much more a meaning to me that just two individuals being together bound by common interests, goals or paths. I see it as two lives intertwined, one affecting the other, governed by care and love.
Thank you, thanks so much. That brief moment of contact with you stretched seconds into eternity as thoughts raced through my head faster than I could comprehend reality. Your seemingly harmless gesture, penetrated the inward chambers of my heart. The hidden key, you unknowingly found, released my deepest dream into life. In a quick lapse of a few seconds I felt the vitality of my perished dream flooding my heart with serenity and affections. You brought heaven down to me, even if it only lasted seconds. Thank you. Thank you so very much.
With all sincerest gratitude,
Slug.
Labels: Me, memories, sss
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
The Secret Key
Monday, May 10, 2010
Shit man. I'm in emo phase once again. Over friendship matters. But this time, I'm just emoing over myself. Sometimes, I think I suck as a friend. Yea yea, lots of people gonna shoot me for it again, but I dunno if it's my warped thinking or a real difference in what I perceive myself as.I don't know seriously. I fail in some many aspects as a friend. I'm incapable of small talk, even the most basic form of communication in the building of intimacy. True, silence is fine with me, but I dun feel fine for the other party. At times, it saps my energy to be constantly thinking of something to say so that the other party doesn't always have to initiate the conversation. And in fact, I often have nothing to talk about other then things that I can relate to; school, cca, psychology and chim thoughts, and these aint the stuff most people enjoy talking about. Ba, some will say it's ok to keep quiet. But the thing is, yea we can keep quiet. But also I cant expect my entire friendship with someone to be purely based on silence alone. I just find more meaning in friendship then simply being friends.Even then, with my low emotional energy, I find it increasingly hard to maintain several friendships. Yes, some of you all don't even think twice about maintenance. That's how I struggle with friends. I'm quite socially inept.And the more I try, the harder it seems. Some tell me to let things be and be myself. But it's because I'm being myself which gives me all these stress. I don't want to be myself. I don't want to be reclusive. I don't want to have a little friends. I don't really want to be lonely.Hence my pursuit for bonds. I grew up without one, lived with some, and ended with almost none, and till this day, I'm half stuck between believing in the fairy tales of true friendship versus a harsh reality of individual differences so great no two could make a pair, or that the coldness of the world freezes the doors of people's heart to another.I greatly wonder. It is just a psychological affect, or could it be, there is a chance, that my self-awareness is heighten over a level which people do not understand. Or how they perceive friendship is different.Am I setting the level of my ideals too high? Lol, I think almost everyone will agree with me ba =,= But I dunno lei, friends has much more a meaning to me that just two individuals being together bound by common interests, goals or paths. I see it as two lives intertwined, one affecting the other, governed by care and love.
Thank you, thanks so much. That brief moment of contact with you stretched seconds into eternity as thoughts raced through my head faster than I could comprehend reality. Your seemingly harmless gesture, penetrated the inward chambers of my heart. The hidden key, you unknowingly found, released my deepest dream into life. In a quick lapse of a few seconds I felt the vitality of my perished dream flooding my heart with serenity and affections. You brought heaven down to me, even if it only lasted seconds. Thank you. Thank you so very much.
With all sincerest gratitude,
Slug.
Labels: Me, memories, sss
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