Feeling all screwed. Need new shoes. Need haircut.

But, I've realized. Maybe it's not that I'm lazy. Maybe it's just that I fear that loneliness. The loneliness I might feel when I'm out alone, and just a simple walk across. And the computer works like a great suppressant. But like all drugs, constant use over time lowers its effect. I guess time is catching up with me now.

Knowing this, what's next. Family? I doubt. Friends? I'm not so sure either. People have their own lives too. So thus, this inanimate technology has sat by me more than anyone else has ever did, numbing my need and desire for socialization, crippling my knowing of it. Adding to my extraction from common life, I resided in a corner in recluse, my world filled with darkness and empty walls.

And as I'm thrust back into society again, I find myself lost. I see new faces. I see new lives. I see the world that I've left behind still moving on, letting me know my absence was minute. Isolation has stolen the part of me that enables me to relate to another.

Left an struggling idiot of society, I quickly picked up cues from the people around me. A smile, a greeting, or a certain words. I also found that a quick laugh fixes many things, or, can be used to hiding. It didn't seemed too hard, but I came to realize that gestures can hold many meanings. So many that I became confused.

I've met many, compared to the usual ten. Some are weak, some are strong, so strong they frighten me. Others say they care, but how much they really do, I don't know. Or am I expecting too much?

Homeless, I seek shelter under the roof of others. I might have grown accustomed to the cold winds and harsh rain, but the feeling of a warm house, where comfort and filling follow, I couldn't bear to resist?

I knocked on several doors, asking if I could be let in. Most doors never opened. A couple invited me in, though I left quickly before I became a nuisance. However I've knocked the door of a particularly kind stranger. A lady who was open and welcoming.

We chatted often. For once, I felt a home. But my cautiousness kept me from entering her doorstep. The door was left opened anyway. During storms, I would sit in her house, but I stayed near the door, with an increased awareness. It was my longest place of residence.

Would this be my first friend? What if it was all my delusion? I wondered if I would ever be able to savour that feeling of friendship, or just a relationship with another being. That feeling felt so foreign to me.


♥ my heart skips three beats for you ~

Labels: EMO

Feeling all screwed. Need new shoes. Need haircut.

But, I've realized. Maybe it's not that I'm lazy. Maybe it's just that I fear that loneliness. The loneliness I might feel when I'm out alone, and just a simple walk across. And the computer works like a great suppressant. But like all drugs, constant use over time lowers its effect. I guess time is catching up with me now.

Knowing this, what's next. Family? I doubt. Friends? I'm not so sure either. People have their own lives too. So thus, this inanimate technology has sat by me more than anyone else has ever did, numbing my need and desire for socialization, crippling my knowing of it. Adding to my extraction from common life, I resided in a corner in recluse, my world filled with darkness and empty walls.

And as I'm thrust back into society again, I find myself lost. I see new faces. I see new lives. I see the world that I've left behind still moving on, letting me know my absence was minute. Isolation has stolen the part of me that enables me to relate to another.

Left an struggling idiot of society, I quickly picked up cues from the people around me. A smile, a greeting, or a certain words. I also found that a quick laugh fixes many things, or, can be used to hiding. It didn't seemed too hard, but I came to realize that gestures can hold many meanings. So many that I became confused.

I've met many, compared to the usual ten. Some are weak, some are strong, so strong they frighten me. Others say they care, but how much they really do, I don't know. Or am I expecting too much?

Homeless, I seek shelter under the roof of others. I might have grown accustomed to the cold winds and harsh rain, but the feeling of a warm house, where comfort and filling follow, I couldn't bear to resist?

I knocked on several doors, asking if I could be let in. Most doors never opened. A couple invited me in, though I left quickly before I became a nuisance. However I've knocked the door of a particularly kind stranger. A lady who was open and welcoming.

We chatted often. For once, I felt a home. But my cautiousness kept me from entering her doorstep. The door was left opened anyway. During storms, I would sit in her house, but I stayed near the door, with an increased awareness. It was my longest place of residence.

Would this be my first friend? What if it was all my delusion? I wondered if I would ever be able to savour that feeling of friendship, or just a relationship with another being. That feeling felt so foreign to me.


♥ my heart skips three beats for you ~

Labels: EMO