Mi Corazón

On The Ride Home

2012-02-11T02:27:00.003+08:00

Kinda busy rushing deadlines this week, but here's to bookmark a post to write after I'm done with my work :)

Do you ever feel envious of other people can do and then look at yourself and sigh?

Was on the topic of assurance with a friend when an old thought struck me, I wasn't the most assuring person or friend. At most I'd be a spark but I'm often absent at some point of time, someone that wouldn't fit a long lasting relationship. It's not that I dont want to, sometimes, I really don't know how. I wish I knew though.

Tim disagreed. Calling in my own destructive beliefs that blinded me from what people saw in me, he said one thing that really encouraged me. "People seek for shelters. You are the bus to the shelters". I guess that made a lot more sense to what I do.

I do want to be there for people, for the ones I care, and for those who need. I guess I live more in the moment, do what I see needs to be done, touch and go. Though it isn't permanent, it provides a transitional carriage to a better place for someone to go. A short journey of care and assistance before placing them in better hands.

And yea, I am envious, when I see people being there for each other through time and age. I wish I could be a more stable source of help, being a reliable pillar for those who need. But I guess the way I am in what I do has it's roles as well...?

The little things that give people that push, or the catalyst for change, that light support as they take flight. And sometimes bringing help to them in indirect ways instead. Chartering a network of support and links.

Honestly, seeing it in a new perspective, I'd take pride in my role. It's quite an honour to be the one who "drives" someone to where they need to go. I may not be the solution, but I get to be part of the process to it.

I think my word to people out there would be, to be yourself just as you are. Not only that, but to believe in yourself, take pride in who and what you are. Cos no one does a better job at filling up that role than you. What you do may be smaller or seemingly insignificant as compared to others, but what you do is solely unique of its very own, right down to microscopic differences that is only brought out because of your unique personality and traits. And to be fully who you are, means being that special role at maximum efficiency and effectiveness. You are made special.

On a side note, how many of us really appreciate bus drivers? We travel everyday, getting to our locations by the service of these people. Do we thank them more than we'd complain about the bus being late, or driving too slowly. Do we go out and set for ourselves to make great accomplishments, yet forget about the insignificant rides that take us to and fro daily. Have we stop to think, what difference would it make if bus drivers stop doing what they do. A whole society is likely to be brought to a standstill by people whose existence we don't remember, and perhaps dont care. They made it possible for you to do what you could. People all around are the same. No one man makes it big on his own. And for that, we all ought to be a bit more grateful.

Pushed my fears aside

2012-02-05T02:10:00.003+08:00

Pushed my fears aside and did it. Gave him the note and band. Asked her for a picture together. And finally brought the MV team back again.

Man, haha it wasn't easy at all. All the voices and thoughts telling you not to, yet within you heart you know need to, you want to. "It's not worth the risk.", "You can do it another time", "It wont matter to them". All that awkwardness of bringing yourself to meet your fears.

And when you take the plunge, the voice still don't stop. "What if it fails?", "What if he or she walks away?", "What if you're left behind with nothing", "What if trying this hard only lead to more hurts?"

Ha, man this are dam scary thoughts I know, we all have our own fears, but if we let all these fears get to us, we'll never get to doing what we had to, needed to, and wanted to. And worse, holding yourself back from many things often pave the way for regrets to dig it's roots in, sometimes haunting us all the way through our lives.

Meh. I guess, give it a chance, just go ahead with what your heart tells you to. Fight for what's important and what you love. Because trying and yet still losing is way less excruciating than losing, knowing you've never tried at all.

And to them all, I've done what I can. I'm letting go from here. Whatever the future holds, together or not, I'll keep you in my heart always.

Forgive and Forget

2012-02-01T12:34:00.002+08:00

Argh, time for character building. I need to learn to forgive too. Keeping score of the wrongs may prove I'm right, but there's no happiness in remembering all these faults and the negativity it generates. If I'd forgive, I'd be happier, and I'll treat you in a much more positive manner.

You forgot something. Yourself.

2012-01-29T01:11:00.003+08:00

People always think that the most painful thing is losing the one you love. But the truth is, losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you're special too, is equally painful.

Saw this quote which I kept some time back, Thought it's sounded meaningful and tried see how I could relate to it. Today, I do.

In this whole endless saga of broken friendship and failures, I've become so broken, lost myself, lost my fire (as mentioned by someone). Right now I'm just in this pathetic state, where I feel completely worthless, and bruised. Yet in some light, self-absorbed. Self-absorbed in victimizing myself from the hurts. A false nobility, perhaps.

There's this war going on in my head everyday. A whole lot of self talk. Though it often ends up in aimless late nights and a couple of tears. But gotta keep up the fight, I think I'll need three things for myself.

Be fair.
I think I'm taking on too much responsibility that isn't mine. I keep blaming myself for my mistakes, for being the cause of how they've change. Though there's always that struggle whenever I see them. But, surely even if I was the sole culprit, my responsibility can only go as far till how they respond. Whatever they decide to do, is beyond my means. Correcting my faults should be the only thing I need to do now, not to correct theirs. Of course, friendship has to be two ways, as subjective as it be, I need to remind myself I can't be the only one bearing the weight of the broken friendship. They have their mistakes too, though less seen; they've hurt me too, though less understood. I try when I can, and I try with as much as I can give. As long as I be accountable, knowing that I gave my best, whatever little, insignificant or untrustworthy it may be, I did what I was to do.

Stop self-pitying
A state I ought to know better not to fall in. I think I've been in it for quite some time without realizing, falling deeper and deeper into its allure. One thing I've been holding on to, is how I'm not accepted, and being too screwed, and shifting towards the feeling of having all fault placed on me. And for that, I've been feeling so unjust, about my sincere efforts overlooked and disregarded. From there, setting myself in this sorry state, feeling worthless. Yet as others around me showered concern, fellowship, with time, thoughtful words, and love to let me know otherwise, I remain blinded to those around, solely focused on wanting that vindication from him, from her. To hear from themselves that they had a part in this, in this chaotic mess of bruises. Yet ignoring all the rest who tells me the same. In the end, I live everyday waiting, for the apology I deserve, and it's become my only purpose. But hey, am I just gonna live everyday just for that one sorry. It'll definitely make me feel much better, yet letting it govern my thoughts, my feelings, it isn't gonna be worth it. Time to let go; time to move on.

Believe.
Man, really, the days ahead are gonna be tough. All these scars and hurt, whether trangressed or self inflicted are going to shape how I treat myself in the future. Part of my mind tells me I shouldn't let anyone else get closer less the repeat, yet another part of me is dying to believe I'm worth it, that things aren't as bad as they seem, that perhaps, I am lovable. But then again, people can do all they can, as they might be doing now, and if my heart isn't open, I'd never feel anything. Gotta learn and believe again. Second chances. Stop wasting time moping around in emo thoughts and cherish the people I have now, before I lose them over again.

Not sure how the week ahead is gonna turn out, but really really need to pull myself together. I don't promise things will be well throughout, but I'd try my best to fight off those thoughts that shouldn't be.

Return Mail

2012-01-27T23:59:00.003+08:00

Kept the gifts in my bag so I wouldn't forget the next day. In the end, didn't give any.

Sometimes, certain events feels like the foreshadow of heartaches in physical forms. A small misunderstanding provoked a chain of thoughts, emo ones, reflective ones.

Managed some quick suppression when the gift was returned back to my hands. Reminded me of the almost one year before. The thumbdrive. Owells.

Bought things for two of them. Not really the gift-er sort, so I often go for more sentimental kinda stuff. Got wristbands, or friendship bands, I don't know. Picked a colour for each, hoping it'd best suit. But then, I didn't know how to give it to them, and soon enough, I wasn't so sure if I should. After all, having less of me in their lives might be the best thing now. Less reminders of hurts.

It's his birthday today, and I thought the best gift was to stay out of his way. So he wouldn't have to avoid me, thus be able to be with others. Worked a little I guess. Glad he went in to mingle a bit after I slipped out of the room. Kudos to me being fast enough today, haha shall work on it.

But honestly, I wonder if they would reject the gift, or just walk off from it. She probably would, wonder if he would too. Don't know if I'm even supposed to expect them to take it. It's confusing though, as a friend, these are the little things that take big effort for me to do. Things I do to try cherish, or for the friendship. Though it doesn't make much difference to anything. I wonder if it's cause it's too small, or too late, or too meaningless. Or maybe it's me. What if I'm not worth it? This silly little things are miniscule compared to the flaws I am, the hurts I bring.

I have like completely 0 self-worth now. Screw this. And I was trying to tell myself that there will be people, of the scrapbook they made, the special effort for me. It's lovely really. Yet the thought keeps haunting me, all the nice things they said, would it still be the same happy notes if they were closer to me, if they knew and saw the mess I was, maybe they'll avoid or hate me too. Ha, full of doubts now. Am I really good as they say, or merely a honey-coated rotten apple.

I wonder what they'd want. More of me, or probably less the better, til there's no longer an emotion to it. But it's lovely watching her talk to people, watching him smile and laugh comfortably with others. Only condition is that I must be absent. Maybe it's a good trade, 1 price for the happiness for 2. Maybe it's the last thing I can do to let them feel happy again. Afterall, I've lived like that once, I'm sure I can get adjusted back there eh.

I wonder if I'm a bane to people's lives when I get emotionally involved with them. Everything proves so to me. Being nice and helpful but emotional distant could be the lesser of two evils.

Broken.

Anyway, here's just a note to two of you saying what I wish I could tell you. You don't have to believe it. I only wish you knew.

"Hi, (belated) Happy Birthday! Here's a small gift, which I'd like to commemorate our friendship. Thank you for being a good friend to, and for me. Thank you so much for all the wonderful memories and experiences of friendship you gave me. For allowing me to know the feeling of friendship. For the sacrifices and second chances you gave me. Sorry I havent been that best friend in return, rather reciprocating your kindness with much hurts. Though it's little, I just want to let you know that you mean a lot to me, even though I don't seem to live that out. Deep down somewhere, I really really love you, and value you a lot.

Moving on, I pray you'll be able to find better friends whom will share your joys and sorrows, someone whom you can rely on to be there whenever you're down, a friend who will hold you tight like precious stones, because really, you deserve so much more. A true friend to call your own.

Once again, I'm really grateful to you in my unseen ways, and your name will be written on my heart. I hope you'll get better and find your happiness soon.

Blessed year ahead,
Nico

and if they did, I'll probably find some dark corner to cry on my own. Pathetic.

An Eternal Regret

2012-01-26T00:23:00.005+08:00

"Please let your year be good from the start till the end. Let there be nothing to regret."

It started with a motivated smile but ended with a broken heart.

Regrets. Living this year without it was one of my resolutions. Not to hold back on anything that I was meant to do.

And then I remembered, that one night I told myself I would regret this. “If only I knew better”, they said. I did. And now the regret certainly turns my bones bitter. Every day, I reason with a maelstrom of guilt and pardon; a tumult that challenges my right to smile.

I really wish I could run away, close a blind eye and pretend all this didn't happen. I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I'm responsible for what you've become. But I know escaping into a false reality isn’t the way I want to live. Maybe it’s my punishment for having committed the crime. As it’s said, some mistakes aren’t meant to be made.

I want to hate you for doing this, to me and to yourself. But it quickly turns into guilt and self-blame, that without me entering your life, things would never have to be this way. By a single yield to selfishness, I lured myself deeper and deeper. And that injection of vice has cultivated cancerously.

As much as I scramble to escape its grip, every night I think of you, heart sinks into a void abyss. No amount of apologies would mend those scars, and trying to be that special person goes only as far as imagination, and promising words that sound as real as clanging metal. Torn between trying to be someone I’m not and the responsibility of repatriation. Have I any place to blame you? Of every account you did not held proper. Is your fate truly my consequences or a bad play of cards?

Regrets. Contradictory. Two of my biggest regrets came from being who I was. One, was letting people get close to me, only to cause them harm. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I took a gamble with their hearts and lost. I’d admit, I still desire to be valued, wanted, even with my imperfect undeserving side of me. But who am I, to seek my belonging at the stake of another’s peril. And Two, my dreadful yearnings I have incurred in you. And somehow in the midst of it all, I am not fully repentant. But, it’s a wrong never to be allowed on any lass ever.

Perhaps it’s a year for atonement. For hurting him, for hurting you, for hurting anyone. I probably can’t change you now, nor the pain we’re facing. But I can prevent future turmoil for more people. No one deserves this from me. Maybe I should stop holding on to people when I can't; maybe I should stop trying to hold on.

Maybe it’s time to pack up and go home.

Growing Up

2012-01-23T23:29:00.001+08:00

Had one of my conversations with a friend about me turning 20 and how we're moving into (young) adulthood. There was the usual stuff about how we miss being kids, young and carefree. And I guess it did weighed on my mind too. Turning 20 to me, meant having to take up more responsibilities, be in financially, socially, psychologically. Gotta start contributing back with whatever we can. Taking a job to reduce the financial burden. Looking out for the younger generation. Keeping mentally strong endure more challenges. All in all, it means more work and responsibilities, and being less carefree and uncaring of things around.

haha it isn't gonna be all rosy, something many people dread I guess? Then again, looking at the bigger picture, imagine if everyone was gonna stick to a carefree life without responsibility, the world wouldn't be able to move on wont it? I mean we enjoy the luxury of time to pursue things we want, hang out with friends, even waste it away if you chose to. But that's because someone above us was shouldering that burden. Our parents take the full brunt in providing for our well-being. And we've enjoyed it for quite a while now, and its time we took the baton. And allow the next generation to have and enjoy their childhoods too.

It's time I returned the favour, carry a share of social responsibility. After all, it's part of growing up in life eh?

Don’t fall in love when you’re lonely, fall in love when you’re ready.

2012-01-22T14:52:00.002+08:00

Reblogged from Kang Ling:

Over and out.

If you ever try to start something with someone who’s still caught up in their past, it will just bring problems to your future no matter how many times you try to dodge it. You can tell when someone looks in your eyes and sees someone else. Maybe it will work out between you two, the timing is just wrong.

As seen in Denise’s blog, source from - aweysha.tumblr.com

Yes. Word for word.

Don’t ever ever ever be someone else’s rebound. Or get involved with someone who have unresolved issues. It will just be suffering for both parties. For you, hurt and disappointment. For that person, guilt ridden. So please. Don’t fall in love when you’re lonely, fall in love when you’re ready.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

And a reminder on the last point again,
Don’t fall in love when you’re lonely, fall in love when you’re ready.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

2012-01-21T13:39:00.000+08:00

I cannot do anything.
I can do all things.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Which statement do you relate to most?

Another interesting question was posed, "Is it wrong if we encourage ourselves then?"

In a life met with setbacks and challenges, a positive mindset is definitely a boost in helping people resolve crises. The world today bombards us with inspirational messages like "believe in yourself and you can do it", "if you will it, you can do it". While optimism and a healthy self-efficacy is important, are we becoming too self-reliant or maintaining a culture of self-sufficiency? And as we become less dependent on others, do we carry that attitude to God as well? What if suddenly God were to ask you, "need any help?", how would we reply? Would it be "Nah it's fine, I'm cool with things" or maybe "I'm good in those areas, how about this and that, you could help me with that". Maybe it's my own opinion, but I think many people (Christians) are like that. Is God a subset of your life, or your life a subset of God's plan? Do we treat Him like our servant, granting prayers at our beck and call, ignoring Him when all is well? As much as there is credit to hard work, we too are weak beings, not forgetting that many of what we achieved today were made possible by the provisions of others.

I think it's great to encourage ourselves, but more important for us not to forget the grace of God, and especially not so to take credit solely for ourselves.

Dissonance

2012-01-20T23:58:00.007+08:00

Reading past chat logs reminded me how much I've changed since poly.

Oh I remember growing up as the most mischievous rascal, relying on a facade of snide remarks and mean jokes to aid my only way of interaction with people I knew. And then came the depressive period, and after much years, the light at the end of the tunnel.

But you know, even though I wouldn't be the first person you'd like to be friends with then, I always had an image of who I wanted to be. I often daydreamed of myself being someone really nice, being there to help others when they needed. Perhaps a mentor, a friend, or maybe just an one-off impact. Someone people would like, though not necessarily remember, but I always dream of being that one who if came to mind, would put a smile on someone's face.

And after 3 years, that dream has come into fruition. I'm amazed actually, by how much I've changed. Once, I used to be someone who could only fathom the idea of doing something good, and today, I well might have done quite a lot already. And I'm happy for that.

Though one thing remains that saddens me. Sometimes as much well a person some perceive me to be, a other side remains unknown to many. It feels like after 3 years, I didn't really changed, merely learnt and developed a good side of me, but for that, many issues and flaws remain, haunting me like an inner demon residing in me.

I hate that. I detest that part of me that remains extremely yet tactfully self centered. Like a corrupt fiend that seeps its evil, sowing tares amongst the wheat. It's been a cause of hurts and pain, sometimes much so for others. This demon, the malformed product of my neglected past and selfish desires. I really wish I could be just a normal good person. I don't want to be bad. I dont want to be selfish. I don't like to.

God please help me be a genuinely good person. I don't want to be a two-faced person. Transform me fully rather than me being a mere function of divided flaws. I want to feel human too, and experience the joy and magic of true relationships with people around me.

I wish I knew how to feel like a human.

Let go of the past

2012-01-19T12:31:00.007+08:00

"Sometimes it's not the pain that doesnt leave us, but we who do not let go of it."

It's time to let go those heartaches my dear.

Reminiscence

2012-01-19T00:12:00.008+08:00

Shit =l

Something struck my mind about something you said. Was trying to find it out in our log when I stumbled into our old conversations. Before 2010. So much memories of the times when we were closer~ We were chatting so casually almost everyday. Friends, I miss us how we were back then

Jan 1

I was gonna ask the class to sing a birthday song for your birthday and you pleaded me not to. Shy I guess? haha xD And then you wanting to surprise me with a cake for mine (yet you asked me what cake flavour I would think is nice - lol fail surprise) And then I told you I wanted you to sing a birthday song for me, which you expectantly protested.

Looks like I finally got to hear it this year eh =) Beautiful~ ^^ I love the sound of it, the ring of your voice, that mixture of sincerity and bashfulness, a lovely tune that makes the heart melt. Thank you for the song. (Wowza, I waited 2 years for this eh ^^)

and as I scroll down, I'm reading the conversations when I felt down or discouraged. I'm seeing you encouraging me or trying to find ways to help me. And me in return encouraging you to be more positive. I love the tone we used to have last time. Felt like we were peers on equals.

Then came the letter. 15 Jan 2010. A day after my birthday when I first left you. Been lost in the sad world for so long, I decided to leave everything behind to pursue bigger things to make my life more meaningful. Wanted to break out of it, and I wanted to bring you along, though you preferred to stay. Sadly, me being me then, I didn't have the courage to tell you, even lying when you asked if the letter referred to you.

That was the changing point for me and you I guess? From there we spoke lesser, that closeness and casual interactions slowly became more sadness behind smiles. We've moved apart ever since. I've changed too, finally breaking out of that shell, and now I've done more and became someone I'd never see myself to be in the past. Once a sad lonely fearful and introverted person, and now, I'm standing in front of people, doing crazy things, teaching skills, imparting wisdom, from nothing, to a figure at the top. ha, Of course, fame isn't what I asked, just wanted to live my life to the fullest and see others do the same. You've changed too. haha.

I wonder if we could still ever be friends. I really really miss those times.

Edit:

I ended up staying up reading through the chats we had. and hm here's something you said which foreshadowed today.

Nov 2009

"Okay. You can go. But once you go, I'll really label you as a real friend ar. & if anything bad happen between us, I'll really hate you. Clear?!"

And then I responded telling you I was uncertain about how I've changed after YEP.

"Well, no need hide~ Show them to people you know won't mind then. Anyway, real friends will accept you for who you are"

Haha, as much as the commemoration of our official start as real friends and the joy that comes with it, it's heart piercing to see how we've become. Many of my mistakes and your response to them. But yet one little thing triggering those dumb tears... Real friends... That's what he told me too. Guess it I'm still too screwed up for even real friends to accept. I've failed you then.

My heart feels so heavy now. All these precious memories sinking in~

Today my life begins with God in the center

2012-01-18T11:20:00.004+08:00

Been trying to find them videos but here's a bunch of videos that sums up what I wanna say.

Though it was hard, I learnt how to love a bit more beyond myself. To persevere even if things aren't reciprocated. To continue knocking even in rejection. To look past hurts to cherish the present. That saying/doing things when you're angry does more harm than good. To be ready before getting into deeper relationships. To cherish things well before it's too late. Won't say I learn everything well, but at least a small start to many to come.

God be the center of everything. I'm so tired so lost. I dont know why I keep doing things of my own. Take control of things again. Cause when I look at the troubles of my life, I find hopelessness. When I look at the God of my life, I find strength.

From my heart to heavens,
Jesus be the center.
It's all about You,
Yes it's all about you.

And to all the problems, hurts, lies I've been giving myself.

Enough of being emo and forlorn. Shall get back on my feet. Whatever the hurts and pains, time to leave them behind and look ahead.

Back on my feet.

Happy 20th Birthday

2012-01-14T16:29:00.001+08:00

First off, I don't even know how to respond to everything really. It's so big and unexpected. Didn't had much to look forward to my birthday as things hadn't been so good, but with her extensive effort and support of many, I think this is one of the most memorable birthday I had. Most.

Last minute changes kinda had me 1 hour late for my lunch surprise. If feeling bad that I was late for 3 ppl's lunch wasn't bad enough, had a dam big shock walking into my surprise lunch gathering. Had a 2 rows of people waiting for me. Meh, unsettling to see the people there really. Juniors, seniors, friends, family, haha felt touched having everyone there.

Regretted something though. Didn't get to spend much time with everyone overall. Honestly was quite affected by myself being late and upsetting her, after awhile I had to take a breather cos I couldn't hold my already 'bad' smile anymore. Took a walk, and kinda lost track of time. By the time I returned, forget the already little time left, things were kinda done. Had a few birthday songs sung for me and a cake, and everything mostly dissipated afterwards. Wished I talked to everyone more, The stupid thing is, everyone went to the lunch for me, yet, I was least present. Like though I was some ingrate. A lesson not to harp on negative feelings.

The second big part would be this giant heavy orange scrapbook. Dam shit I love it. Huiqi said she thought of doing this to document my poly life since it was something big for me. And it's secretly on my wishlist too. It's heartwarming flipping through the pages of the book. There's even notes from people I considered myself to be of nothing to. I'm running out of words to describe the feeling that I have, seeing the effort and time people took to do up each page. The thought behind the words, pictures, little decorations. haha if i be honest I feel loved. Feels like i'm more than I think I am? haha.

One really precious word though, that rings through the letters was "inspiration". Haha I think it really touches me to see that I'm seen as an inspiration to some? I'm not sure why, and what, but I think nothing really beats the feeling of knowing you've impacted someone? hope I'm being a good inspiration then, really want to see people finding their true potentials as well as playing a part in making this world imperfectly perfect.

But really, i think all this wudn't be possible without her. I cant express my gratitude to her using any words now. I'm amazed, touched, shocked, thankful. I cant possibly know how much it took you to get all this done, and imagining it is already scary enough. but as the days go and I hear the accounts of people I meet, it's crazy to discover how much you've been doing for this. Everywhere? Like you've went to explored almost every part of my life to get that fragment of memory for me. Must have been a great deal of work, especially with you having to bear your pain too :/

Frankly, you've won me a little inside. I feel like giving it one more chance to pull things back together again. I'm not sure what I ought to do though. Like you said, maybe apart might be better for us. I'm not in a good state for any close relationships, there's still so much issues and selfishness to fix, and having you to bear the brunt of my egocentric life isn't fair for you. Part of me wants you in my life, yet another selfish part doesn't seem to cherish you. And it plays out in this nasty hurt game. I need to tell myself to have faith and be strong to let you go, that you can find your happiness too. I'm not sure where we go from here. Wish we could still be at least friends =/

but all in all, thank you so much for this wonderful gift, and the many sweet things that goes with it. It's the best gift ever so far, I'll keep it with me, and in my heart wherever I go. Thank you.

Happy Birthday to me. Now let's face the new year!

A new year, a new slate.

2012-01-14T01:14:00.007+08:00

Happy Birthday to me. Quite tired to write something long and thoughtful but ahwells.

One thing that bugs me on birthdays is getting my facebook wall flooded with wishes. I mean, I do appreciate the well wishes and it's nice knowing the people who drop by to let me know I am in their mind, and furthermore the meaningful posts with really nice and heartwarming comments. haha, yes I secretly yearn to know who I am to people so its encouraging to read many of them.

hehe. Moving on, I'm quite sentimental actually. And I value my facebook wall quite a lot, not the wall itself, but the content on the wall, feels like it's representative part of me when people look at it. in fact, I actually do spring cleaning on it to remove repetitive or redundant contents. and when the floods of wishes come in, they wipe away everything - memory and identity; sweeping every picture, likable quotes and stuff down to the abyss.

Never liked it, but then it's a way of ushering the new year too yea? No point holding on to the past, staring at old memories when the present is here. Life continues, and it's time to move on as well. Rewrite everything. What's past is past, let go of it, to hold on what I have in the present. Why dwell on unchangeable history when there's so much to appreciate, cherish and enjoy now. That's what makes the present alive and living.

It's a new year, new season of life. Gonna be quite a lot of changes, very unsure of what's ahead, but I just write it one day at a time.

Let the floods come in~ Wipe away the past; Start a new year afresh~

(and thanks a lot to the 3 (T.J.J) for the conference call, it was really nice to hear your voices, meant a lot to me, suddenly felt like ya all were close beside me hahax =P)

Hope there'll be some nice reads tmr hehe. And gonna reply and write something nice for everyone tomorrow. Yea, goodbye 19. Good morning 20.

You Will Know Them by Their Fruits

2012-01-11T18:25:00.006+08:00

Description to video:
A poem I wrote to highlight the difference between Jesus and false religion. In the scriptures Jesus received the most opposition from the most religious people of his day. At it's core Jesus' gospel and the good news of the Cross is in pure opposition to self-righteousness/self-justification. Religion is man centered, Jesus is God-centered. This poem highlights my journey to discover this truth. Religion either ends in pride or despair. Pride because you make a list and can do it and act better than everyone, or despair because you can't do your own list of rules and feel "not good enough" for God. With Jesus though you have humble confident joy because He represents you, you don't represent yourself and His sacrifice is perfect putting us in perfect standing with God!

To every christian and any that will hear. Christianity has been slowly corrupted into this hypocritical strain of self-righteousness. Religious pride blinding conceited Christians into mistaking chastisement for persecution. It's sad to see how christianity today has been convoluted into something so self-centric, with unfounded legalism to placate our abused liberalism. Christianity isn't for making yourself feel better or holier , in fact, the closer to you get the God, the more filthy and unworthy you feel of yourself, for being so undeserving of God's love and grace, and you can't help but reciprocate it.

(And here's a random part. Type a few lines which rhymed so I decided must as well go with some lines since I was kinda bored so pardon it if it's lousy lol ._.)

Redeemed by an act of selfless grace;
now living in pursuit of selfish ways.
Called to love and be His light;
now an act of agape love, hardly in sight.
Accepted, people came as who they were,
now, judgment and hurts fill this world.
Tasked to care and meet people's needs;
now whatever benefits us is the way we lead.
Reached outwards, ends of the world we'd go,
now millions of people, lonely and cold.
Taught to obey, trust, be humble and meek,
now only applies one day of the week.
Prepared and refined, eyes on eternity,
now faithless and blind, lacking maturity.
Christian brothers and sisters, myself alike,
Now ask yourself how much you're Christ-like
You will know them by their fruits,
whether for God, they cared a hoot.

The term "Christians" was used because people then resembled Christ so much. Today, out of the many who call themselves Christians today, only a handful are truly what they meant. The rest of us are just foolish men making merry. I'm not in a place to judge, let yourself be accountable to God.

Matthew 7:15-20
15 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. 16 You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? 17 Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Therefore by their fruits you will know them.

How would you measure a man?

2012-01-10T11:31:00.001+08:00

How would you measure another person's love in your life?
Affirming words, thoughtful actions, precious gifts, comforting touch, quality time?
By weakness and flaws, mistakes and wrongs?
Only the inwards of his heart will tell.

Change starts from knowing you can

2012-01-09T10:22:00.000+08:00

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify them, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.”
— Jack Kerouac

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have."
— Margaret Mead

Let now the weak, say I am strong

2012-01-08T23:10:00.005+08:00

Tim:
Just like.
How I perhaps look up to you/zx last time?
Nico:
Walao
why last time
Tim:
Last time.
LOL
TAKE THAT~
SUCKA
LOL
Nico:
so now you no look up to us la
Tim:
But seriously
Last time
Not to hurt you or what.
But seeing how ZX self harm himself
Seeing how you throw yourself into fire.
Seeing how you guys fall
Nope.
But I still hope to see that strong you again though.
Nico:
What did I do?
Tim:
You are not strong now
You are living on borrowed strength
Nico:
Yea, gonna be weaker in time
wonder if there be anyone for me then
Tim:
But I know you can stand strong.
Just need time
:)
Nico:
yea

And I've got to admit. I've lost it. Everything feels so mellow now, even the when I speak my words come out scrambled. Everyday feels so helpless and lonely, there's little drive to get through the day with rearranging my desk being the most productive work of 3 days. Everyday I'm just mindlessly surfing the net and playing games to numb that void in me, yet there's still this blackhole-like gravity that's crushing me from the inside.

I think some people see me as this strong person or something, had a few people complimented me. Not sure why, but it does come as an honour as well. I'd like to be seen as someone strong, nice, caring, maybe inspirational; someone looked up to. I mean who doesn't right? Though perhaps I have been fit with some of those adjectives, part of me worries inside.

Maybe it's how I re-arrange myself when I'm with others, putting the good stuff out, and shifting the bad parts in. As capable and strong as I'm perceive by some people, there's still plenty of issues I have, avidly shown to those who reads here. In all, inside I'm not as good as people think I am.

Frankly, I'm socially inept. I cant hold a conversation naturally, I don't really know how to make friends, sometimes I don't know how to be with people. I've learnt how to functionally, but I don't do it personally. At times, I question myself if I truly understood what love is, contradicted by my much self-centered behaviour. In short, relational skills is the bottom of my know-hows.

If without my pride, I wonder what it'd be like to be weak, in the eyes of people. Would they despise me? Would they be there for me? Would they stay throughout if I were to like that? It scares me sometimes, that by holding up such a strong image to others, me being weak might come as a shock, or that I'll be good enough to handle myself.

And as early breeze prepares, I wonder what it's like to be depending on others. To feel helpless and incapacitated, where you've gotta trust the people around you. Allow yourself to be taken care of. Being functionally useless, yet covered by the grace of others. When you can't tell whether you'll be left alone and the face the harsh reality that no one cares. If I liken this to a trust fall, I'll be standing on the edge, held back by pride and fear.

Though, in this journey I have achieved things that makes people doubt my weaknesses. There is comfort in hearing, but genuinely, I feel many people over estimate me when I say I'm not good. I reflected through the things I've done, and I gotta say, I know full well which were those I easily did, and which were those I struggled through with something more than my own will.

Strength, divine strength. Especially through those struggles, times when I know I've exhausted all my mental strength, each dying heartbeat calling to be taken out of the unbearable situation, when the comfort of friends isn't enough to reach me, when the pain is so overwhelming, all I want is to give up, and yet I'm still trudging on, push on by this incomprehensible force, as though carried by it. The hurts and pains doesn't disappear, but you still manage it somehow, like above your threshold. Some people told me, how does asking strength from God even make sense. Wouldn't be sure how to explain it, then again, some things cant be explained - you know it when you know it; faith and trust.

So, I'm gonna buck up. Time I turn back to God and stop relying on my measly fallible strength. Lol, I think it's quite embarrassing to be weak, but the only way to really overcome these difficulties, is to face them. It's silly how we so often stray away, and crawling back when troubles come. But nonetheless, God's strength in my life. It's good too I think. Keeps me humble. And when it comes a time when people ask me how I do it, it leaves as a testament to God's hand in my life.

27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him.
1 Corinthians 1:27-29

From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the center.
It's all about You, yes it's all about You.

Little things that make big differences

2012-01-07T03:38:00.001+08:00

Here's a wonderful and inspirational video. I really wanna do things like this. Attentiveness to the needs of others with the boldness to act on it. Somehow, it's the little things that make big differences.

Left or Right?

2012-01-06T17:26:00.006+08:00

I think, let it be. From my position, this isn't the first time I'm left in an either-or decision. Either choice, I'm gonna be feeling like I owe the losing end. But then again, that's life. Sometimes you can only pick one out of so many choices. Besides, I ask myself one thing. Do I trust God? Or why else am I trying to control and make things perfect and ideal. If I do what's right and accountable to Him, He'll take care of whatever's needed. I think there's where faith lies, that God can make miracles out of impossible situations. Like letting go of a glass cup in mid air and trusting God to hold it. Faith. One thing I realize from all these burdens I'm carrying, is that I'm not the saviour of the world. I cant rescue everyone, or in fact anyone. It's by God's work and grace it happens. Me trying to be the hero and acting according to my own idea of what's best for everyone isn't gonna do much. My perceptions are flawed. And, I'm not responsible for everyone and everything they do. I'm primarily and ultimately responsible for my own attitudes and actions, and as one abides in love, the path will unfold into God's perfect plan.

Unintentional Mistakes

2012-01-06T01:05:00.003+08:00

Woke up late for work today 3rd time this year. Again. Argh, I've been consecutively late for work for weeks le.

Though it makes me wonder, for this 3 days, i really wanted to change, and to wake up on time. Just that I genuinely unintentionally wake up late due to circumstances. Should I still be punished likewise?

My phone alarm resets when my phone is off, or sorts so I sometimes dun realize it's not set right
First day - didn't know alarm reseted itself
Second day - snooze setting were reset too, to 1 time snooze at middle volume.
Third day - realize I've been swiping the wrong direction (left = snooze, right = off)
And now I wonder if I'll be on time tomorrow.

Mistakes be mistakes, I know I'm responsible for my mistake, but should one who have no intention to commit a wrong be punished? Punishment and consequences are different matters. One is an extra penalty meted out, other is an inevitable chain reaction that follows, though from certain perspectives, set penalties fall under expected consequences.

I'm learning to fix small yet important details, though slowly. But we all take different paces right? Some a longer journey than others. At the end of the day, if results are the only thing that matters, then whatever we do wouldn't be important. But the process is just as important, it's what makes us get there.

Lol. actually I dun have a clue what I'm talking about. I just think we should all give more grace to each other.

I didn't get punish by the way. Just walked into office with a sheepish guilty smile...

Drama script

2012-01-04T23:40:00.000+08:00

It's supposed to be a occasion for joy, yet it's been only fear and worry. The thing I've been hoping for since everything begun. But now it's like a cancer slowly spreading across my life. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it selfish? The negativity seems so prevalent everywhere, it's become so unhealthy. Feels like I've been in this long bad dream, gotten so used to it. Life's taken such a dramatic twist, I'm both slightly amused yet depressingly melancholic. It'd make a good drama script I swear. Makes me think twice when I watch dramas now.

Really want to wake up from this dream.

So many people telling me to let go. Next person to tell me that, I will.

Mu Qin

2012-01-03T23:59:00.001+08:00

"Do you need dinner?"

Felt something warm in me when I asked my mom if she wanted dinner. Not sure if this is the first time I've asked her, or the heart behind asking her, but it felt nice.

Havent really been the best son since coming 20 years of my life. Maybe it's time I started giving back. A start this 20th year. Learn how to love people around me.

I'm sorry mommy. I hope it's not too late. Please wait for me. I want to make you the happiest most blessed mother in the world. I'll learn to.

I think this is pretty~ :)

19th songs

2012-01-03T01:39:00.002+08:00

Wanted to post this up for quite some time. Time has since flew by, and amazingly it's 2 weeks to my birthday again.

This is a CD that was given to me for my birthday, with some people personally dedicating some tracks for me. It's been sitting in my laptop for a year now. Every time I got really bored I'll opened it and play one of them on loop.

Well I aren't the music sort so frankly haha, I haven't understood some of them. I wouldn't guess either.

But sentimentally, I can name a few.

The Great Escape with Gracia - camp song from Forest of Discovery Hi club camp

There's a place for us with Huiqi, - lol didn't realize until she told me, it was the song playing during the credits, the first movie we watched together. Lol, the memories...

I'm yours with Zhi Xiong - song playing in Popeye's during our supper on my birthday when I had no one to go out with. I remember we laughing at the song and how we sang that to each other.

Never had a dream come true with Timothy - ah, first song sign we learnt during camp from seniors. Big feat since we were only Basic A then~ hehex

Peacock with Yvette - ah... it appears my peacock dance to the song left quite an impression. Heh.

Grenade with Zi Kang - This was really once of the most epic shit ever. Singing it in totally high pitch outta tune voices. One of those moments you let yourself free to do complete stupid embarrassing things, and you'd feel freer than conforming to social norms.

It's almost been a year. Many things have changed. Wonder what the 20th year of my life will be.

Love is patient;

2012-01-02T04:42:00.001+08:00

If you love something, ask yourself if you are willing to wait for it; for as eager as love so desires, it is also patient.

Your smile is the reason I bleed today.

2012-01-02T02:09:00.006+08:00

When you asked to meet me at 12.00, I sighed. Worries of what would happen next, what I needed to do so as to not spoil things, what I needed to look like to not make you upset. I didn't want to ruin things further.

But it did. I was exhausted after staying up the last few nights working on my FYP endlessly. I was tired from banging on your walls trying to get to you. I was tired having to put on the fake 'Nico' to suit what you expected of me. Guess that broke through in my face.

I'd wish you'd understand, but I don't expect you to, even though I tried talking so much.

Do you know, being with you makes me so fearful. Every time I'm with you, I have to be on my guard, watching my words and actions ever so cautiously, just in case I trip a wire to which must cause you to become unhappy, to cause another problem or dissatisfaction in you which guessing was the best thing I could do.

From me to you, it feels like you've been building walls around you. Thick strong ones. Because you wont tell me anything, the only thing left I've resorted to was brute force. Keep pounding at your walls, tearing them down. Bashing them even if my hands bled. And when my hands could feel no more, I'd throw my body on it. Sometimes I get to see you momentarily, and inside I feel happy though shortlived before wall forms up again. Every single word and action had to be carefully thought out. Any small mistake could cost me a few layers back.

I don't know what can get to you anymore. Being nice, giving you my time, being forceful, angry, even having to hurt myself, everything I tried doesn't work. And sometimes, I have to shamelessly ask others help me. A call to check where you are, maybe for someone to look out for you. After all, people always expected me to be the nice one to you.

I hate it that you didn't cry. Even when I lost control and became physical. I just wanted you to be real. I wanted to see you being you, whether you had to be in tears or not. I resent deeply that you sat there the whole time without saying one damned word. I so wanted to slap you hard, just so you'd cry, and that I could be there to comfort you. I'd rather you bury your tears on my sleeves than to hide your sadness behind a fake smile. I don't want you to be strong always. I want you to be you; at times, weak.

My heart ached so much to see what you've become. Lonely, sad, and bitter with self-destructiveness. No, I don't pity you. If I did, I would be feeling sympathy rather than this tremendous twist in my heart. All I really wanted, was to see you genuinely smile and be happy again, whether there be smiles in the warm comfort after the tears, or the laughter in joyful times.

It's been a long time since either of us did. Every time now it feels so depressing, so much uncertainty and trepidation, so much expectations to fill; at least for me it feels that way. Every time I think of you, it's fear of what you'll do, how you're doing, what issues I had to deal next, problems I had to vigorously look out for. Yes. It's that same feeling every single time, and that's the reason why I'm so reluctant to meet you. I can't feel safe leaving you alone, yet wasn't good enough to take care of you when we're together, I didn't know what to feel or think anymore.If you'd ask me why I no longer smiled, my answer would be because you no longer did.

And honestly, I'm at the end of myself. I don't say this to make myself look better than you, but for the only reason that my sacrifice would be enough for you, perhaps inspire and encourage you, to push you to find happiness once again. I know even if you keep telling me you don't want it, or to give it to someone else instead, I'll do it for you, because deep down, I know you'd want to feel worth, to mean something to somebody. And I'm not doing all this to help you feel it, I do this because you, do mean something to me. You'd really do.

I know I'm not perfect, and I have so much flaws and bad points that's hurting to be with. But it doesn't stop me from trying to give you my best. I know there are many times I prioritize something over you, and that it hurts, but it's really that mess inside me fulfilling itself, and I'm trying to beat it. There's much that I have purposefully pushed myself to do, I dont know if you knew how much it takes of me just to do so. I remember you writing about how if you loved someone, you shouldn't have to try so hard to do things. But the thing is, I have issues. I find difficulty in loving people, in doing things for others. No one went out for me in my past. But I tried. Making the effort to sms you, reply them, talk to you, spend a bit more time with you, hold back my own sadness so it wouldn't affect you, think of jokes and silly things to do to cheer you up, connect you to more people and outings, sifting out my bad parts so I would hurt you less, telling myself not to give up whenever things got really really hard. I really tried my best to give you all I could, against my own selfishness and weakness.

Last night, I broke into tears when suddenly I thought what if all the sacrifice meant nothing. What if the results would still be the same? What if the love I tried wouldn't be enough to help you find happiness? I cried thinking how pathetic I would be, giving up my future, tanking all the damage, suppressing all the hurts and fears to fight for your tomorrow, for a happier you. And how after things ended with you, everything will just burst out, all the pain collectively overwhelming my heart. What if I broke down afterwards, would there be anyone to catch me? Would anyone stay with me if I took a long time to recover? Would there be anyone to love the mess I'll be? I mean afterall, I would be a fool for giving so much to change nothing. The cake. I remembered it, and I know it means something to you. But I thought, what point is there, holding on to a cake when I couldn't even hold on to you. What joy could I find in a cake, when I couldn't enjoy the friendship with you. Sorry for leaving it behind, it must have hurt you a lot. I would if I could, but my heart is just so weary to do anything.

Frankly, I really am tired now. I don't have the strength to keep being tough anymore. I don't have the strength to keep up being that someone else you'd wish me to be. I don't have the strength to overcome the fear of your cold rejection, or the disapproval of not meeting up to what you want. The real me, is someone screwed up, lonely, afraid, and needy, someone you didn't like. It's understandable though; no one did. I'm sorry I made you like me, I'm sorry I used you to fulfill my needs selfishly. I regret it a lot. A lot. I've only realize how I'm not ready for it, and I'll make it a point never to get into it again until I'm ready.

I know if you could, you'd want to return me all the effort and time so I'd be happy and myself again. But honestly, it's impossible. What's given been given, and it cant be taken back; like a gift that's not refundable. The only way, if you'd really want to repay me, is for you to be happy, find your own happiness. That, would make everything, more than worthwhile, to know that you can be happy one day, it would mean so much. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be now, don't pressure yourself, so long as you keep trying. But if that be too much of an audacious request, then please ignore it, please don't feel guilty, or indebted. Really, it was ultimately my choice to invest in you, and a pity it be if I been a fool not to heed your calls of advice.

All in all, I can only say I'm sorry for my mistakes and hurting you, and the only thing I hope now is for you to be happy. At least one day you will.

New Year Rush

2012-01-01T17:59:00.002+08:00

Yup, sadly this is how I spent 31th Dec 2011 to 1 Jan 2012

Counted, had like 115 tabs opened. took 2minutes for firefox to terminate

and well, aish. Glad tomorrow's a public holiday. gonna make up for missing out with friends and people. Time for reflection, and to sort out through my half written thoughts.

What If?

2012-01-01T02:40:00.001+08:00

I wonder, what if one day, everything just broke down, what will happen.

Disappear if I could

2011-12-31T11:56:00.004+08:00

I think I hate myself. I feel like running away from everyone now.

Right now I feel like I'm so screwed up, so much issues. I'm so tired of being strong now. Being strong for her, being strong for ppl, being strong for myself. I wish I could just close my eyes and be the one who's caught, held, loved, cherished. I don't want to be the one thr any more. I want to be loved without having to earn it, without being all good and nice, I just want to be who I am, weak, lonely, afraid, needy, helpless.

I want to let go so badly. But I'm so scared there wont be anyone there to catch me. I'm scared I'll crash and burn, back into that dark hole again. I'm scared once I hit there I'll not get out of it again.

Yet I don't want others to carry my burden. It's not fair. It wont be easy to tolerate all my shit and mess in me. It's a whole lot of hurts and fears, too heavy for anyone to bear.

I wish I could just disappear. Or that I should start getting everyone out of my proximity, before I do any major screw up on another life again.

I will always be fighting for you.

2011-12-29T12:35:00.017+08:00

I shouldn't be writing this but I can't help it. And here's my version of this sentence to you.

Deep down, I never wanted to give up on you. Yea, I let go a couple of times, but I always made it a point to hold on back. Mistakes be mistakes, and I know there's no squirming out of my responsibility to correct them.

Despite your vengeful treatment to purposefully hurt me, I've still tried, making myself look like a fool, walking straight into your piercing rejections with hope that maybe it might bridge things, or repair it bit by bit. But most of them were futile attempts leaving myself feeling like shit.

Nothing special huh? I wonder what more deceit you can come up with to make yourself be the victim of all these. If you were nothing, or some fancy person I flirted with, it wouldn't have to take 2 years for everything to come to this. Why would I have bothered so many times to start a conversation with someone who saw it as fake, knowing full well I only get back echoes of my own voice. Why would I sacrificed my time to stay with you when you threw tantrums when I could spend with others who could 'entertain' me more as you so liked to compare. Why would I choose to hold on to you, even at a time when my relationship with my best friend is at the verge of ruins and I have barely enough energy to attend to it. Why would I continue to tread this arduous journey, when I have bear this mostly alone because no one else had the heart to go all out for you, and the only support you gave was demoralizing advice to give up.

If it was all for my own benefit, then it would been a foolish thing to have stuck by you. All these efforts, these pains and hurts I'm enduring, the only thing that would have made everything worth it, is to see you be happier and enjoy life a bit more. Ask yourself really, what have I tangibly gain out of this relationship, something that could gratify my desires, aside from all the hard lessons and knocks I learn in trying to get to you.

I'm sorry I did the stupid things I do. I sorry for forgetting you at times. For not remembering the important things you said. For running all over to different people. For using you. And I don't know man, when it about me to you, I think I'm more screwed than good (even though you told me otherwise but turns out was what you treated me as)

But yea. Maybe it's the irrational mind of a girl or something. Somehow over the time, it feels like you just got caught up in this contorted twist of subjective perspectives and adamant self-bias. It no longer matter how much I tried, the grudge of my mistakes always shadowed my efforts, as though there was no redemption for me in your eyes. You seemed so caught up in my mistakes and your hurts, the truth wasn't important anymore, just your feelings. When you're happy or sad, you wanted me there. When you're angry and pissed, it doesn't matter what you do to me. When you decide to stop playing spite games, you expect me to reciprocate after being tired from trying so hard. Only your judgment determine our fates. If you thought I didn't care, didn't love you, that you were nothing but mere play for me, it became a 'fact' for you.

I came to be a friend, though wasn't a too good one. But you know what, I don't owe you anything. I don't even feel I can be myself to you, always having to maintain this picture you had or wanted me to be. I cant even be genuine to you, and do you know how pathetic that feels?

People I confide in occasionally applaud me for what I'm doing. Part of me feels encouraged and affirmed, the other part feels rotten. I ask myself why the heck am I even doing all this, why do I even bother do things that doesn't even mean anything to you anymore. Yet each time when I want to give up on let go of all these, a tiny whisper tells me to hold on a little longer, that one day things will get better.

I wont write everything about us as bad though. There were the good moments. One of my favourite memories was seeing you throw those balls through the hoop. Watching you play and be free, even for that short moment. Whenever your face looks like ^-^ There were times that I found comfort with you.

And hey, you've done much for me too. I wont know how much you've done, but I can guess the extent you would go to if I ask. And I'm thankful, and guilty for that. but I really wished you'd do the same for yourself. And even so, all good actions have their intentions, maybe you should also evaluate the root of your actions as well.

But for everything, I've only myself to blame, for leading you on to things I wasn't prepared for. For that selfish desire, that led us down that path. It's dumb how I never realized I started it until you reminded me of my words. And I regret them a shit lot.

Just that now, really, it comes to a point I regrettably need to say "it's over". What you've been doing is causing a lot of destructiveness in me. You make it as though I'm the one totally at fault for leaving you and causing all this unhappiness, but I wonder if you ever saw how part of it was from your actions driving me away. I'm not sure how you trying to help this work out, or whether you even care any more. Honestly, as much as I'd like to repudiate the reasons to find some excuse and justification to continue putting my heart in this, there are some major signs that tells me that you no longer care anymore, about what's right and wrong, what's worth fighting for. I do feel disappointed in myself for making this decision to let go, after holding you so closely.

So yea, I give up trying to "help" you, and doing what's best. Because I take it that you don't care anymore. Take some time out to repair all the damages in me. But I haven't give up on you. I hope you know that I'll still be here for you as best I can. Whatever you do, whoever you become, I'll be here waiting. You don't have to believe it now, but I hope you'll remember if ever comes a time you need it.

Hais.

Individually unique, Collectively special

2011-12-28T23:36:00.004+08:00

Cell was wonderful today. I'm beginning to enjoy cell more and more than I ever expected. Finally being able to feel like one of everyone. Don't need to act so tough all the time. Be there, share my troubles. As I lay down my own mask, I'm beginning to appreciate everyone and all their unique personalities, how everyone has a joke after them, or a stereotypical trait. Hoorah, I'm the chim one that messes people's mind in this convulted links of logic and philosophy. LOL.

Feeling blessed tonight, to have this group of Christian friends. No holymoly stuff. Just a time of authentic fellowship.

And I wanna say, Dang I missed ya all! :D Really enjoyed cell and everyone's company today~ I think everyone in this cell is super unique and adds to the rojak flavour. The kids, the one's who lived past two-decades, the young-at-heart's, the hunks, the chunks, the cute, the blur, the ones who come in fun sizes, the entertaining drama-mamas, the 'celebrities', the ones you'd occasionally sigh to yourself and wonder why you're even friends, the ones who are given 5minutes to speak, the ones who are given 30 minutes to think what to say, the ones who make you question yourself why 1+1=2, the easygoingcarefrees, the jokers, the jokes, the ones with full attendance, the blue moons, the ones whose names are subjected to endless puns, the ones who like have the hilarious habit of like using the word "like" like excessively; and finally, the ones who are in this cell; Love ya all <3 I feel so blessed ^^ Thank you God for PolyITE1~

I can do all things through Christ.
I can move a mountain if You are the strength of my life
I can do all things through Christ,
when You are the strength of my life.

Whatever trials may come my way,
I will worship You always,
forever trust in Your unfailing love.
When every doubt and fear press in,
I still hear Your voice within,
forever trust in Your unfailing love.

2011's been a really tough arduous year. Be the strength of my life.

It isn't about how much they love you, but how much you love them

2011-12-27T00:53:00.011+08:00

Had a long twitter conversation after replying to someone's tweet. sorry friends >< Anyway, since I'm too lazy to reorganize this to one coherent post which I'm obviously terrible at. Was pretty challenging considering the character limit of twitter, and not wanting to throttle tweetdeck with multiple entries of our opinionated discussion. so here's it all

Just clarifications first. I don't intend to have this be a good guy-bad guy convo in any way. Just strong opinions put across. No one's right or wrong, just lessons yet to be learnt. Hope the convo pasted below does not offend anyone.

Stupid parents. Think they know everything. So what if you gave life to us; we ain't your slave.

dun be surprised we might all become like that one day. What we think we'd never be, is something what we end up being.

I know but... sometimes when I look at parents stopping their children from being who they wanna be, it's just really depressing

Have you ever wonder that by raising up children and loving them, they had to give up being who they wanted to be?

they do that because they are willing, excluding those parents who have "accidents". Who would want bearing children as a chore?
taking care of children might not be easy but it doesn't mean that you can control what you want your child to be as an adult.

Yea, but now I'd ask you, if they sacrificed their dreams willingly because they love you, how much would that mean to you?

then I think it isnt a good excuse; if you want to do something, do it willingly. Don't use it as a threat.
well, it would mean the world to me that they took time to bring me to the world but they still can't dictate our life.

Just my humble opinion, but it doesn't seem to mean much. More of just a comparison to what they've done and what you want.

I just feel they should respect the child's decision. If the child wants to be an artist, you can't force him to be a lawyer.
you can only go so far without passion. If you force yourself to do something you don't love, is it still worth it? I say no.

I agree, but if circumstances dictates, how much would you sacrifice of your own, in worth of your parents' sacrifice?

depends. I won't sacrifice everything just because they want me to. I will have to see their views if they are reasonable or not

Reason doesn't always work well with love. Ever wondered if your parents had to take a sucky job to bring in money for food?

hmmmm that's a different story. If that happens, I'll treat them with more respect and will give back more. Sacrifice more.

Why not ask them? And is your love for your parents conditional? Depending on what you've seen and know them to have done?
What if parents went, "if this kid grows up to be a good, I'll love him more. If not then maybe it's not reasonably worth it."

I know my parents and how I'm too repay them. But i'm just saying, some parents have got to cut their children some slack.
Hey, That has happened before. Ever heard of how parents treat their haywired children or probably their gay sons?

Parents are humans too. They hurt us as much as we hurt them through our ungrateful ways. Both sides have their own shit man.

Yeah but sometimes, the sides aren't fair. Like parents beating up children for no reason. To say one of them

The sides will never be fair. And assuredly some parents have done great transgression on their responsibility over us.
As human as we all are, how many times have we all unreasonably hurt someone out of our own pissed attitudes. Words, actions.
A condescending word said out of anger can hurt as much as a slap to the face. And it doesnt have to be family. Friends too.

Meh. I guess, unreasonable is one of the traits of a human being.

like the way we children unreasonably demand shit from our parents like they owed us a living just becos they birthed us. ;)

It's a cycle...

Agreed totally. So now who's gonna take the first step to break it? Or we could all wait, hurt and hate.

Well, from similar experience, I might be that controlling parent but I won't take them for granted.

Then go ahead and make right. It isn't about how much they love you, but how much you love them :)

I know I've said quite a lot. But to really try understand what parents might have done. They probably had you in their 20's to 30's. And that's the prime of adulthood. They had dreams, ambitions, hobbies, and so will you. But for us children, whether or not they wanted to, they had to put aside their own desires, get a job, any kind, to bring money back to feed the family. Because they loved us.

Now as kids we'd demand our rights, our choices to do what we want, as though our parents owed us a living. but we'd never realized all the sacrifices our parents had made. After enjoying food on your table, a bed to sleep in, pocket money to buy the things you wants, all these without needing to do any work, is it that hard to understand why sometimes parents do "unreasonable" things. They gave up their life so we could live ours.

We as children could probably never reciprocate the price they paid, and yet we ask, no, demand more like its our right to live. How'd would you like if you paid for a homeless beggar's meals for one month and then he comes around to complain that the food sucks and it's making him look bad?

And heck do they even complain more than us about how unhappy or unfair life is ? It's mostly about our slipshod lives if they do. Even if we think we can survive living individually from them, we don't even know how much we're indirectly living off them. and it's seems parents are to blame for everything. For not giving enough, for being too controlling, for not being good enough. And when we're done and satisfied with what we have, we stomp all over them in a horribly disrespectful manner. Urgh.

And yes and if there's anything we rightfully deserve, it's for all we ungrateful children to be slapped for our arrogant manner and kicked out of the house for freeloading. Go live our own life independently as we so desire. But they never do, despite the shit we give them, because they love us more than we'd ever see and understand.

F*** us kids really. We'd never understand the depth of a parent's love until we become one ourselves.

(not that I'm one LOL)

Hope

2011-12-27T00:10:00.001+08:00

Hope is the assured anticipation of something good. It's not plain wishing. You're not guessing it or trying your luck. You know and you believe in it. And that's why it's powerful.

Inner Demon

2011-12-25T21:19:00.002+08:00

I hate it. The inner demon inside. Corrupt; tainting every relationship I have. I can never look at anyone through a pure mind. Why do I have to see them in such light. Why can't I just love people for who they are. Why must everything I do be so self-centric. If I could, I'd dig inside me and cut it out. All I want is just to have friends, to enjoy the essence of those bonds. No altruistic agenda, no ulterior motives.

Self-serving bias

2011-12-24T13:16:00.004+08:00

Lol, got somewhat offended by people cursing at God.

This is probably a shot between believers, and non-believers. About the existence of a divine being. I understand the argument, but it becomes idiotic when people misuse context to their self-serving bias: the tendency to take credit for success and deny any responsibility for failure.

It's this conventional culture on the emphasis of our personal happiness overrides everything logical and moral in our mind. We'll backstab, play politics, hurt people, do anything just to be at the top, where all the "happy" people are.

And it's dumb. Claiming credit for any good results, and finding fault with someone else when things arent desirable. Yes! I'm so achieving now because of all the hard work I put in, my practice, my talents. True, but are those the only reasons? There's still so much that goes beyond just our own efforts. Encouragement from friends and family, support they gave that indirectly spurred you. And even so, the untold sacrifices people make for us might have been the very deciding factor that lead to our current "success" who says it's all about you only.

Flip to the other side of the coin. Dam, I'm so screwed up because of my parents, because people hurt me, nobody wants me. It suddenly becomes like the whole world owes you. Except yourself. No, why wouldn't you put in the same effort to get out of it? No you can't? it's difficult? Then yea, it's just your own part of the deal you fail to meet. There's no reason to expect people to fulfill their bargain when you yourself have yet to put any decent effort before falling into self-pity again.

Dont be an ass really. If you're a non-believer, that make your words stick to it. I hate it most when non-believers scoff at the idea of the necessity of a God, yet in bad times, they curse at how a God would have allow such things happen. If you think there's no God, then in the bad, take it like it's your own doing like you would with the good. Don't just push the blame to a God that only exists for you to push the blame for all bad things that happen. By this you contradict yourself in your acknowledgement of the presence or absence of that divine being.

Why not praise God for every good thing, and reflect on what faults you might have overlooked when there's trouble. But of course it should be both praising and reflecting during BOTH the good and bad times (this goes out to fellow Christians)

And truthfully, such attitudes are despicable. In politically correct sense for both sides, thinking in such a manner shows that you place yourself above the possibility of the universal idea of a omnipresent omnipotent being. in simple words, you think you're greater than a god, or perhaps one itself. And whether or not one believes God exist or not, a pompous attitude like that is only doomed for failure. Irresponsibility.

All because of love; all because of love.

2011-12-22T23:02:00.011+08:00

Merry Christmas-to-be everyone!

Ah, Christmas is in a few days, and you know, there's always so much hype and wanting to meet up, everyone's trying to pin that special day with significant others. Friends, close friends, old friends, church, school mates, family; everyone.

I mean, I'm someone who doesn't like to book out a day way ahead in the future because I live by the principle that you'd never know when something more important might happen. Dunno, feels a bit wrong, yet feels right.

Been trying to find a good schedule and date to fit the current events, not very sure where I should go, who I should spend it with. And I get annoyed all the more when my mom presses me for a date on the 25th with some really really old church buddies we kinda grew up with. Well of course I didn't like the idea, what if my current friends had a plan too, how am I supposed to say no?

But it suddenly dawned on me. When you keep trying so hard to make the most ideal choice, you become more and more dissatisfied at every option that doesn't meet up. That's because nothing's perfect; and sometimes the most ideal choice, is to simply let things be. Stop trying so hard for perfect and allow nature to take its course.

I don't know really, I only have two plans now. One, I'd like to have a small gathering with good friends, like we had last year. Something simple, something that captures the mood, and just a place we can all lie down and take a decent break for a moment. I'd really want that =)

Two, I just want, for once, to give priority to my family wherever and however they choose to spend the day. Sometimes, no matter where we go, whatever happens, there's always that warmth in family, no matter how little. Just how much we want to catch it, and make it grow. This year end, I'd want to make that effort. Spend time with my mom, my bro (if he's around). After all, family's forever right? =)

Here's how I'd like my Christmas morning =)

Christmas dinner!

the warmth of a fireplace can't beat the warmth of a family together

our innocent excitement as we unwrapped our gifts below the Christmas tree

A song behind the Christmas story.

Was trying to quote the best part of the lyrics that meant a lot to me, but somehow everything felt so close. And I guess I'll use this then.

"All because of love; all because of love."

To lead, is to serve

2011-12-21T15:11:00.010+08:00

18/12/11

Back from leadership camp. Dang, it's really been a blast. Getting a chance to be involved with the old comm to do something, and being able to lead in Hiclub again haha. Main objective this time was to empower the juniors with leadership skills.

Overall, the camp went pretty well, could see that the juniors took back a lot from it. Brought in a very different touch to camp this time, with a in-your-face lesson for leadership. It's kinda nice seeing how everything had a purpose behind it. The lessons, games, and even exercise. Quite encouraged hearing the positive feedback from the juniors.

This time was quite different for me though; lost my form. Wasn't the usual frontline upbeat ra-ra guy that lifts the moods up, rather more like a fool bumbling on his words. Felt like I engaged the campers poorly, and then as much as I wanted to, I didn't get any chance to sit down and interact with them as there was too much work needed to be done.

Maybe it's a lesson of humility. Kinda felt quite low during camp, not receiving the usual 'recognition' I got. Honestly, I didn't want to look bad in front of the juniors either. But then my satisfaction shouldn't be based on that; wrong motives. Thank God I had timothy and disheng to help take the fort for the learning experience of the camp.

Though haha, through it all, I do feel proud at least, for the back scene I've done. The leadership components was a last minute injection, after hearing all the problems Hiclub faced. Particularly a few people inspired me to clarify on the misconceptions and styles of leadership, especially for those unrecognized or unconfident. Hope that through it all, both generations of juniors can find some security in who they are and learn to lead from their heart.

Watching the camp reminded me of us 2 years ago. When everyone was still young and innocent.

Our 2009 leadership camp song, I love how it still fills our hearts with those lovely memories whenever we hear it. I love the sparks in our eyes, I love the beautiful natural smile that lights up on our faces. And mostly, I love the way we look at each other, almost telepathically knowing what's on each other's mind and how the perfect camp experience will always stay in our memory.

God's Angel

2011-12-21T00:45:00.003+08:00

On a more brighter/lovely note... (literally LOL)

Got this note from an unknown someone. Kinda quite touched hehe. Rare that I get such things, in a purposeful attempt I guess. Heh, "God's angel", a bit too high no? Wonder what I did to deserve that heh. Quite wishing to know who and what it's about, but I guess not knowing keeps me humble, don't have anything to boast about. Nonetheless, thank you so much for the note, means a lot a lot to me =) Will keep it somewhere.

Dear unknown, if you're here reading this, thank you so much for it, really. Heartmeltz lol. If I have impacted in you any way that has touch your life, I have one request, that you'll do the same for someone else =) Pass it on and touch someone's life as well ^^

And it's true isn't it, how there's always people out there loving us, and whether or not we're aware doesn't change the fact that they do =)

The last thing I'd feel is you.

2011-12-20T22:19:00.005+08:00

I'm falling sick with the my body constantly battered with fatigue. Burnout from stress, late night sleeps, overused energy reserves, skipped meals, empty brain juices, weathering cold rain, argh, it's just about time before my body collapses.

To be honest, loneliness been eating into me. Maybe its backlash from the previous saga but I feel like I lost the ability to connect to anyone. The stupid feeling's back gnawing at me everyday, every night. Sometimes, I want to ask for help, yet I dont really know how to. Never was the kind to ask people to care for me. Lol, yes, old issues.

Every night, I have this deep yearning someone's presence. Someone I can fall back on peacefully and safely, being able to let go of all the burdens I've been carrying. It's really been such a long time since I really rested.

I don't want to miss Christmas being like that =(

Even the best fall down sometimes

2011-12-20T01:40:00.003+08:00

Sometimes that's what I feel. I know I'm not perfect, yet I'm trying so hard to fight for things, and there's always so much resistance. From you, from my flaws. And it ends up I taking your burdens as mine, worrying about things beyond me. Yet I cant help but feel afraid and concern for you. I hate to see what you've become, but my care is of little regards to you. It's not like me trying my best helps, not like worrying for you helps, not even going all the way out beyond myself.

Right now, I'm just so worn out with everything. One failure after another. And for you, I don't know, I don't know what I can do to make things right. I hate how things have to be this way. How everything have developed. I've changed; you've changed. I'm human too, while love to meant to last, facing the same problem day in and day out with seemingly little progress takes its toll. But lol, now I bet it feels like I'm dropped you or something, heh, probably all my fault again. Hais.

Still love you, as a person, but just so tired from all the hoohaa and endless chasing. Don't know what exactly you want inside you anymore. Really wish we dont have to spend January like we did last year.

I wanna be me and be cared for too, but seems like everyone's down. Gotta be strong for others, my time will come =)

Kindness' Chain Reaction

2011-12-19T15:36:00.004+08:00

Feeling pretty exhausted from the lack of sleep from camp. And then the stress of my unfinished work as the deadlines closes tomorrow. And this loneliness and emptiness that keeps creeping up behind me. Can't wait to get through all of this, spend some time with people, and find some serenity.

Here's a video that makes me happy anyway. Kindness ought to be spread and multiplied. Whenever someone does something nice for you, do it for another person as well. Even though it goes unseen, unknown, it's still at work, touching the lives of many people.

With one little action a chain reaction will never stop. Make it strong, shine a light an send it on.
- Send It On

We walk today, because we fell yesterday.

2011-12-15T04:50:00.007+08:00

This is a post written at 5am so my thoughts are mostly unfiltered. Gonna be long and boring...

Do not let me fall if you wont be there to catch to me.

The quote may sounds like an assurance to many, but I quite disagree. How does one not let another fall? And how does it make sense that someone ought to be there to catch us. Think about it, for the vast majority of times we fall, was there anyone to there to catch us?

I don't intend to bring this as another emo nemo negative trait of the world, but more of the personal responsibility we need to take in our lives. How is it someone's else responsibility to catch you when you fall, and if thus fail to do so, has as though committed a crime against you. It's like we blame others for not catching us. Hm.

First we need to question the origin of falling. There is two ways that causes someone to fall. Either it's a mishap on your part, or an external environmental trigger. If we get our mindset right, I'd like to think most of the fault is ours. So let's talk about that first. Sometimes it's cause we don't look out for things. The table corner, the ledge, the ditch, the curb. Sometimes it's a mistimed step, trip over our own feet, misjudged the distance between your steps and feeling like you've walked off a cliff for a split second. And that's mostly with non-living things, it'll be stupid of us to blame the chair for magically appearing in your way. Yet somehow, amazingly some of us actually even go into a fit of rage, spewing vulgarities and being pissed off at it. At something with no choice, will, or intention to do harm to you.

Things get a little different with people though. Ahh, now it's two people right, there's that active participation in that unfateful interaction. Perhaps someone knocked into you while walking. Now it's easy. Quickly our fingers point out, cant the person have looked out? Is he so dumb or careless to not see me? And we forget with 1 finger point out, we have 3 pointing back at us. We didn't see that person as well, we walked right into him the same way he walked into us. But we always find the right excuses for ourselves. Nuff said.

I mean if you rethink that earlier sentence. "Don't let me fall, if you wont be there to catch me" Summing up my previous point, falling is often our own doing, and now we're demanding someone to be responsible for it? The only way another person could fully ensure he is abosultely free from having that happening is to tie you to the floor. That way, there is no way YOU can fall. It's almost akin to saying, "Don't let me starve, if you wont be there to feed me" I'm not sure about you, my mind doesnt even make sense of what I just said. Maybe it's a crappy analogy, but I'm thinking that's because the two parts of it doesn't even have a logical link.

It's by grace we're caught. Nobody needs to catch you, it's not required of them to dive to your silly imbalance. But we all would if we could, because we care. The problem comes when we (fallers) demand that grace as a right. When I fall, someone has to catch me.

You realize when someone falls, you dont get a crowd rushing towards you to carry you, pacify you? There is of course times we need help that people do come. But that's because we know we're supposed to pick ourselves up. We grew up taking knocks here and there, sure we got help and attention every now and then, but we mostly got by ourselves.

And so then what? We learn. We learn how to balance our steps well, a little adjustment to our speed, a slight twist to our feet, we try to prevent another fall. And if it so unfortunately happens as it always embarrassingly does, we learn how to fall right. We know the nasty experience of falling straight face on isn't something you want to do twice, we attempt all kinds of maneuvers from swinging wildly to grab something by chance, stabilizing ourselves mid-fall like a gymnast, to reaching out our hands to catch the fall. And if we graze ourselves, bleed a little, we learn to not think about the pain, or make do with some comical limp.

It becomes almost pathetic to have people blaming others for their falls. Surely when it comes to people, there's two parts to it. But I've seen so many people just lying on the floor. Something trips them up, perhaps a broken friendship, or a conflict that hurts both ways. It ends up with them feeling sorry, and then being all self-pitying and waiting for someone to

Sometimes, we are not careful and we don't look out. Conflicts occur, problems develop, relationships break down, and sometimes we fall from the pain of it. It's a natural thing, our emotions gets knocked off balance and we tip over. The pain is great, but the biggest issue comes when someone doesn't know how to pick themselves up. In their low, they end up feeling so hurt with no strength to get back up. Sometimes people are there to pull you up, sometimes not. But the thing is, we can't always be relying on such help, at least not before we've made our bestest effort to get on our own feet, then only are we truly in need of help. Some people get so over reliant, they get muscle dystrophy, get so used and pampered to the demands of always having people pick you up, we lean on them, and tell them. Well, don't let me fall, if you wont be catching me" And then it's like in our own stagnant state we demand and enforce others to stay with us. And if they move on and thus we fall, we feel like it's their fault for moving away and not ours for leaning on them.

And then as well, the more intentional trip ups. People hurt you, knock you down, fail you, break your trust, betray you, and what not. Someone can do you wrong and punch you straight in the face and knock you over. You can choose to remain down and cry, sulk, and complain that he has to pick you up. Well, he should to make up for it, but what if he doesn't? Will you stay put and wait?

All in all, to sum up everything. We fall mostly due to our follies, and additionally by something else. We get knocked down, feel depressed, it's all part of natural physics. The biggest question is, what are you going to do next? Stay down and be unhappy, feel sorry for ourselves. Or pick yourself up, learn to overcome the pain. Have the scars as reminders and life lessons. Don't grow up physically yet remain emotionally infantile. Know that blaming others and feeling sorry for ourselves doesn't help anything; life moves on, with or without you.

We walk today, because we fell yesterday.

The Good Words Behind Your Back

2011-12-14T16:10:00.002+08:00

Today, my dad and I have a weird relationship. We get along okay, but he never seems to celebrate any of my successes with me. I graduated valedictorian at my high school and got a full academic scholarship to a great state school in the past few months. My dad never once said, “I’m proud of you.” Over the years I’ve simply come to expect this type of thing from him. He plays the tough guy role, and that’s just the way it is. But this afternoon, two of my dad’s golf buddies stopped by our house to pick him up. While they waited for him to get his clubs out of the garage, one of his buddies said, “You know, Jason, your Dad is constantly bragging about your achievements to us on the golf course. He goes on and on about you.” His other buddy nodded in agreement and added, “Yeah, last week we were discussing some of our own personal successes, and he told us that raising you and watching you grow up to become who you are is his greatest achievement.”

Haha, that would be lovely wouldn't it? Having people proudly compliment us to others. I'm sure many of us do :)

Sadness isn't weakness.

2011-12-14T00:30:00.003+08:00

People been saying my blog been quite emo recently. Lol. I'm surprised, though I think otherwise. I'm sad, not emo. Emo is when the mind's wonky. Sad is when you feel down, or unhappy about things.

But it's alright. Sadness is a part of life. It's a normal feeling, and it's totally ok to feel so. The world seems so adverse to being sad nowadays, it's like a taboo feeling. It's stupid. It's stupid not to feel sad when you are, it's stupid to hold back your tears when it's welling up. In fact it's stupid to disallow yourself to feel sad just because the world think it's weak.

No it's not weak. Rather it's strength, it's being stronger than the many people today that hides behind a false mask of "happiness" To acknowledge your own weakness, your vulnerability, sadly it's become a feat people are uncomfortable and unwilling to do nowadays.

It's perfectly fine to be sad. Just don't let it rule your life.

Here's a random video to make my blog not so sad, but I realize the contents is quite saddening too. LOL. but rather I'd want to appreciate the love and strength behind it.

And here's to all those reading my blog. Wahaha, thank you for being here. It somehow comforts me. :D

Kay, I'm not sad-ish le right :D

Fuck Self-pity.

2011-12-13T10:21:00.008+08:00

Sometimes I think you're just a selfish bitch wallowing in self pity. You destroy yourself, and then destroy the people who care for you. Then it goes back to blaming the world for leaving you alone and feeling sorry for yourself again. You love yourself way more than others, and this fragile shell you've made to protect yourself in.

No one can help you anymore. Only you can help yourself. There are people who care for you whether or not you see it. People love us less than what we expect, but more than we realize. At the end of the day, it's just a sorry state for you to be in, ending your life believing so earnestly of your loneliness, hating the world for it. There were people around. you just never saw, you'd never open your heart to receive.

You gotta take responsibility for your life as well. Everyone experiences that deep loneliness at some point of their lives. In fact, I like to bet that majority of people are lonely people inside, even those wearing the biggest smile everyday. The world is more disconnected than it seems, with social networks giving us illusions of being connected. Shut your laptop, switch off your handphone, and you might just join the multitudes of people, with a cold beating heart, holding themselves to sleep.

It's what you want to do with it. I've been through my own share of loneliness growing up. Grew up emotionally alone from my family when young. Dwelled in self pity and just feel so sorry for myself, of how I deserve to be loved, that I should be given more attention and care, to make up for what the world owes me. My problem and hurts was soooo big and pitiful. People should come for me, give in to me. That all these needs inside me ought to be met. Ending my pitiful life which no one cares about. And I lived in years for that, waiting for some miracle sent person who would come to save me from this sad pit I'm in.

Until I realize the only miracle person that's gonna get anything solve is the one you see in the mirror. The big problem is us, that idiot that wallows in the mud of sorrow. We become so absorbed in feeling sorry for ourselves, we take all these hurts, and tend to it, take care of it, nurture it, since no one would. In the end, we become so focused on it, it becomes our pet, our companion, the one you turn to when you're hurt and sad. After all, it's the only thing that can relate to you, the doppelganger of your past, only it will know your pain, only it will know your hurts. And so you run back to its embrace, making sorrow your friend. And that's the only friend you'll have because of how "safe" it is.

I like to think depression is merely chronic self pity. I wouldn't categorize it as a mental disorder. But I'll say it's definitely not something that can be snapped out of, but more of weaning the reliance of that perverted comfort in that dark gloomy world, to find a more realistic hope in the world. And by realistic, I refer to both the loving good, and the painful bad that encompasses everything in life. It comes as a bundle, but true happiness outweighs the suffering. Nostalgic moments with friends and family, outshine the arguments and disputes we've had. Because all these made us who we were today. The pain taught us to be stronger to overcome, losses taught us to what's important in life, and suffering taught us character to become better people.

So learn from it all. Life can be harsh sometimes. So instead of sulking in a corner and never graduating from it, learn to accept the reality of life. Dont neglect the people around that care simply because we're too caught up with our own selves. Open our eyes to see how our silly whimsical negative thoughts hurts the people who care and loves us. There will be bouts of loneliness, downs of melancholy, and quivers of heartaches, but don't forget it too that there are the lovely moments as well, much indescribable to how it personally plays our heartstrings. There is both the good and bad in life, it all depends how we want to approach it, the perspective we take on it.

Be responsible for your own life. Work on it as best as you can. The world is unfair, not just to you, but everyone. Know that there are always people more unfortunate than you, no matter how bad it seems. Open doors and partner people. Expect nothing from them, but the unpredictability of life, with its ups and downs. For everything that you can do, do the best of it. No one has the right to be loved, no one deserves to be loved. But by grace, we are, and so we love too. Accept others just as you wish to be accepted, a simple law of reciprocity. Life is what you make it to be.

Be happy, or be sad. It's a choice.

FYP Overdrive

2011-12-10T00:46:00.004+08:00

Going into a crisis state soon. FYP, school report, and camp planning all around the same date and it's closing in by a week. Starting to get really stressed, shutting myself out and having to do extreme things. Body still hasn't recovered from the toll with the previous event. Mind's on standby anticipating the moment to enter overdrive. And then there's the people everywhere. People I want to care for, people that want to be cared for.

I hope I can pull through this moment. I hate to be in such a state. I can forsee myself doingsomething stupid in that chaotic condition of my mind. Either to forget or neglect someone. Do or say something impulsively regrettable. Drop people suddenly. Even get unreasonably pissed at my dog. My mind's like a ball of glue bouncing around my caveload of troubles that's cracking on the pressure. It's times like this I wish to disappear so I wont risk having to hurt anyone.

Think I've already made some mistakes but I really cant help it. I hope they understand, though I dont expect anyone to. Owells, I should just disappear for the moment. Sorry friends

Why can't we be friends

2011-12-06T00:20:00.004+08:00

While doing my fyp today, I suddenly remembered of the time we camped overnight at airport to study. My heart sank a little. I miss those precious times when we were still friends and smiles were common between us.

I haven't smile for you for a really long time. Every time I think of us my smile fades out, my heart sinks, and my eyes turn watery. I wished we didn't have to be in such a state, and I hate myself, I really hate myself for taking us down that road that led to all this. Taking things further when neither of us were emotionally ready for it, and now you're in this state and i'm in almost no position to help except to keep pulling things together to atone for my mistake.

I don't like blaming people, I'd prefer to look at my own faults first. Just that, it's gotten to a point when self-blame is just destroying me unnecessarily. I end up hating myself for things that I don't have to bear. I don't expect support from you, but inside I dearly wished that you would sometimes. You often say you love me and I know you have done and cared a lot for me, and how I've hurt you by leaving and dropping you one side. And it's the been the only thing I've seen you say.

I totally acknowledge that I've done many, many stupid things to hurt you. Things I shouldn't have done, and things I should have done. I in my shame admit the horrible nature of a person I am inside. But I, too seek your acceptance in the weak being I am. I don't like the idea that you pin a great deal of your hopes on me, because I jolly well know the probable outcome of anyone relying on me. Failure. That is what I am, a wreck, a complete mess inside, a weak person yearning and wishing to be loved as well.

Though sometimes, it's really heart-piercing the things you do and can be. Though on one hand you do many nice things for me, many of which I find hard to appreciate and reciprocate, from the uncomfortable feelings from my past. Sometimes you can be nice, sweet, cute, lovely, thoughtful, but on the other hand, you can be selfish, stubborn, irrational, self-defeating, and unwilling to solve problems.

And the things you do have really hurt me as well. When you hate me, you reject me, you put me down, you ignore me, you expect things of me I truly cannot give. To put it crudely, you can be a bitch as much as I bastardly as I am. Sometimes, even as I try give you the benefit of the doubt, it feels like you're not open to solving any problems between us.

You've almost never encouraged me whenever I'm troubled or worried about us. Sometimes going to you only gets me more discouraged and disheartened. When I try look for solutions or inquire or current problems, you dont provide any assistance. And as it turns out, I being the complete blockhead I am, am always thrown back by the intensity of an issue I never realized existed. I dont even understand how we can be anything more when we cant maintain a decent friendship.

I don't say this all to blame you. No use pointing fingers at each other. I only ask, that you help me. I cant see how you are, but it doesnt mean you're not, so please let me know how you're doing so that I can find ways to compliment and support you. If not so, I'd dearly ask for you to objectively try to resolve things too, if we keep trying, things will be solve in time.

It's closely reaching a point where I'm contemplating whether to hold on or not is how much you're wanting this to work out. If you see this as completely hopeless and genuinely don't want it to be, then I will let go of it and stop bothering you. But if there be a will inside you that wants it to work, I will keep trying my best to fight on for you.

I wish we could start it all over again, from friends.

Bridge of Light

2011-12-05T14:55:00.004+08:00

Soundtrack from Happy Feet 2.

It's silly, but I tried hard to hold back my tears when the song played. Didn't want you to see me like that. I've never felt such pain of hopelessness ever since our paths crossed. Every scene in life that's gotta to do with hope tugs on my heartstrings. I really wish things will get better for you, I'll pray for you everyday.

God's Masterpiece

2011-12-04T01:15:00.004+08:00

Watched this video at MHI today. I guess what hits home is knowing that despite all the shit we get ourselves too, there's still someone that sees hope in us, loves and accepts us. No, we're aren't hopeless messed up shit. We're just frightened little kids, confused and lost, seeking out the answers to our needs; and it's alright to be. All we have to do is let go of our false securities and let faith work its way in us. And then miracles happen.

Changing the world, One life at a time

2011-12-03T23:59:00.003+08:00

Original Story by: Loren Eisley

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”

“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…

“I made a difference for that one.”

I wanna change the world and impact people too. I want this world to be without loneliness, where everyone reaches out to another. For a world of hope, for a world of love. But first I must be the change I want to see in the world. And so, I'm changing the world, one life at a time. I am and I will.

It's the little that adds up to a big difference.

Things we don't realize

2011-12-03T00:38:00.003+08:00

New favourite inspired quote~ <3 <3

I believe people love us less than we expect but more than we realize.
- Nico

A Trip To The Past

2011-12-02T11:43:00.005+08:00

Went to a funeral of a distant relative last night. I was expecting to go there and just hang around, pay respects, but for the 1.5 hours I was there, I felt like I was a character in a drama, rediscovering a lost past. Like the novel "5 people you meet in heaven".

We picked a table at the corner, politely asking the two people if the seats were vacant. Sitting, I watched my mom exchange greetings with a man across the table. By the way they speak I could tell this wasn't their first encounter. The lady beside him smiled sweetly and nodded. Immediately after another elderly man who was pretty fit came over and greeted my mom, and then turned to me and asked in a loud voice in chinese, "Do you know who I am?"

I smile sheepishly with an embarrased reply, showing quite well I couldn't remember any of the faces in the crowd in my vaguely fragmented memories. I know they knew me though from the past. Everyone who said hi to us had the same exclamation of how big and tall and handsome I am now, gesturing with their palms in an up-down motion. Typical icebreakers I supposed.

As I slowly picked out bits and pieces from my muffled interpretation of dialect, a realization dawned upon me that these weren't just random folks that came to pay respects to a mutual lost one. They were uncles and aunties, not the common salutation but literally. And then there were granduncles and grandaunts, great-grandaunts and uncles, and a whole bunch of other cousin-related ranks I have no idea how to address. My paternal grandmother came from a family of 8, or 9 and each of her siblings had more than 3 kids. Her mother - my great-grandmother had a few siblings as well. Imagine that massive scale of family networks branching all over, it'd take an extra one or two drawing blocs to trace them out. I guess it felt like an astronomer locating the position of a new nebulae or witnessing the birth of a new supernova, and who wouldn't marvel at such an astounding revelation.

The conversation topics drifted from an electronic device than promoted healthy blood circulation, to NS lives, and finally to the history of my dad. Everything felt magical as I imagined what they mention of him as a kid, younger than I was now. Most of it was narrated by my grandaunt, who appeared well versed in english. The family abandoned by his unfaithful father, "Dom"s mother had to do shameful jobs to support the family. In time, his mother found another man, who however despised him. As a young child, he was physically abused by the male figures around him. Dom was left in a home, which at that era, was a gruesome place a kid could be in. His grandmother was appointed his guardian. During the school holidays, Dom would stay at his aunt's place, whom treated him fairly and lovingly, dividing her allowance to give her kids and Dom pocket money equally. Every time the holidays ended, Dom would be in tears begging to stay another day.

Shortly after a brief pause, a slightly fat middle aged chinese man joined the table. My grandaunt introduced him as Dom's cousin, and mentioned us as Dom's family. The man, my new-founded "uncle's" eyes lit up as though he was suddenly jolted by some memory. Holding on to his half cracked peanuts, he excitedly said out, "Dom?", and then gazed at me, "Ah, you know, last time when we were young we used to play together! We would go play by the kampung with him!"

I smiled in appreciation of his nostalgic expression. Silently, I phased out of the conversation, drawing a picture in my mind, my father as a young kid, running about with his cousins, his only family left. I wondered if he was smiling when he played with them. How would he be like? Was he obnoxious as kids were? Would he be closed up due to his troubles? I wonder what went through his mind, being a small kid facing abandonment of his family, tossed around between his relatives. Stuck in a grim squalor boy's home. Finding a home from a few relatives who had a heart for him. What was he like for him, as he grew up? As he thoughts developed with maturity, what did he see himself to be? How did he managed the agony is his heart? Was he lonely? Sad? Angry? Was he someone who felt hopeless and wished for his needs? What was his story like?

I wish I was older, or smarter then. Maybe I could have asked him myself. I would want to support him if I could, bearing such a painful past. Too bad I was only a young playful child then. Even at the last days, there was no sympathy in me, no sadness. I never realized my loss until I grew up years later. But I loved his presence. I remember being terrified as he caned me when I did wrong. When he allowed me to ride with him on his motorcycle when he picked me up from childcare that day. Looking forward to the saturdays where he would take me and my brother out for meals, when playing with us playstation games. For being that big figure I felt safe in, that I know I could run to. He may not have been the most ideal dad, but I know he loved us dearly. Papa, I wish I could have another chance to see you, there so much I want to tell you and do with you. I want to see you smile in pride of who I am today. I want to be able to eat with you, and share with you my secrets. To hug you when I'm sad and lonely. To wrestle with you in a battle of strength. To spend my future together with you. To be able to say to you "I love you" and hear you say back to me.

I havent cried over this in a long time. But I will be strong. I know everything has its purpose. I will live a good life, righteous in the eyes of God, loving in the hearts of men. I will make sure to do you, and God proud, and I will do my best in everything, till the day I am received in Your arms. Papa, I love you. And I know you loved me too. I know God loves me too and is watching over me in your place. So, I want to be that for others too, in the agape love God has for everyone, that there too might experience that joy and comfort in the belonging acceptance of Christ.

The wise man build his house upon the rock.

2011-12-01T00:53:00.005+08:00

Cell had us reflecting back on the events of the year and how God has been a part of it.

The year has been crazily eventful I guess. A whole range of feelings from bipolar scales. Friendship; loneliness. Acceptance; rejection. Joy; melancholy. Achieved; failure. Help; helped. Love; heartaches. As I recall a point as to how the year started, our birthdays came to mind. Guess it's the fall from the peak. I get a picture in my head when the tracks stop and the carriage just rides off downwards, spinning helplessly, into a unstoppable vortex. And afterwards its just jamming down on the brakes to slow the descent, though it felt more like a mole digging underground; one claw after the another, a cumbering resistive pace.

At least one thing that has stayed constant throughout this turbulent time, was God. through the good and the bad, the laughter and the strife, at my brightest and the darkest, He was always there to see me through it. Often I get distracted and turn away, but His faithfulness never fails. I wanna be the same fire I was during march last year. To be that light and warmth, be contagious, and to be passionate. Keep my eyes on Jesus.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
Matthew 7 24:27

Second question was to think of a struggle currently that I'd wish for God's intervention.

Instantaneously, you came to mind. A quick flashback played out in my mind about our journey. Why I did things I do. All in all, I hope for the day, where the reasons of the tears I shed when I hear the word salvation, is because I'll be able to see you find within everything, the happiness and love you've been missing for so long, accept it in your heart, and that I may partake in your joy. But till then, I promise to persevere.

Love endures.

What is love, without acceptance?

2011-11-30T11:01:00.005+08:00

"the only thing i can think of to comfort you is; your true friends will understand when you fail. so no fear"

Sadly, like a sadistic twist to a poignant story, it is this very statement that dims the light inside my soul.

the only thing I can think that breaks the pillar in my heart is my (true?) friends hated me when I failed. So I fear.

I never had a good start inside me, as much as I dearly envied the intimacy of a close companion. Pretty clueless about how to build relationships with people and I've been trying hard to make things work, sometimes doing things beyond myself.

I admit I aint the best friend ever, a whole bunch of flaws. And often, I hurt people unintentionally. But I dont want to, I don't like to. In my own messed up world, I'm trying really. I've been so worn out by constantly trying and having no support. When I take rest, I'm seen to not be doing anything, yet when I try something, it's never enough to satisfy.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, when the greatest rejection I face are the ones closest to me. Guess it's just an exchange of hurts then, a payback. Now, I don't have the faith in relationships anymore. Every time I think of people, I get reminded how screwed up a failure I am, and and the thought of not being good enough for anyone keeps replaying in my mind. It's sad how I fear myself so much.

I know it's all faulty thinking, it's difficult to fight against the reality that is thrown in your face. I dont want to look like a victim, or to be pitied either. I just want someone to be my friend, and teach me how. I dont want "friends" to expect something out of me, because there is only little I can give. Or you'll end up with the same group that walks out on me in anger and disappointment. I just hope for someone to accept me as I am, weak, flawed, and selfish, because that's all I really am inside.

But until then, i'll have to fight off this scars, and keep trying if I dont want to. Everyday, my heart dies a little inside. Each silent disown, each selfish disapproval. I'll do my best to hold the fort and push up these cracked walls

What is love, without acceptance?

Life's switch to happiness

2011-11-30T00:54:00.000+08:00

Interesting Thought-Experiment: If you could switch lives with someone else, would you? Who would you choose - Angelina Jolie? Obama? HRH Kate Middleton? But what if you can't choose? If the switch is going to be random (1 out of 7 billion people on this planet), would you still go for the switch? Or would you say - "I'm actually quite happy with my life?"

Why do what you do?

2011-11-27T23:23:00.005+08:00

Sighed as I watched the golden stream trickle down the walls. Been really busy these few days. Cooped up in the office for the whole day staring away at the computer. Lesser milo breaks, more heavy sighs. I remember a day where I didn't even drink anything but a cup of coke for the whole day. By the time I'm home, I'm all worn out and dozing off on the floor.

Life gets busy sometimes and we tend to forget important things during such moments. Family, friends, people, health, dreams... All the little things that build the foundation of our lives, so taken for granted we forget their presence and role. If you're fortunate, you get a chance to turn from your folly without too big a price.

At some point, you gotta stop everything and ask yourself, "Why are you doing what you're doing?"

Gotta Go Big Time

2011-11-27T00:56:00.006+08:00

I wanna dedicate this post in memory of the crazy feat we managed today. For a day makred by so many wonderful memories. Pulled off an emergency performance in under a week - 3 days of practice - barely 10 hours of formal practice. Not sure, I'm just so glad we managed it, and did fairly well on stage.

Started off quite worrying and stressful. Got pretty mad and upset a few times, so much so that I actually raised my voice in hiclub for the first time just to get things down seriously, though it got soft after that. The group was mostly girls so I cant really bear to go down too harshly on the practices. Took a lot of risks with the groups too, only learning the formation on the day of the performance. And I'll admit, there were some particular difficult ones to handle. heh

And then for the plentiful of memories. I love watching the smile on the teams' faces each time we executed our steps and signing perfectly. and definitely to be able to pull this off in a record breaker of 3 days. Running in the rain just to support the other team. Hearing a whole bunch of people screaming when I went solo >< Watching a new generation raising the bar of song signing. Being thanked, and spending time with all of Hiclub.

Through the joy and times of stress, I've learnt 2 things.

1. leadership

Circumstances really pushed me hard this time. I do see the potential in this group, yet there's a glass barrier blocking their progress. The things that needed to be done reminded me of a leader's sacrifice. Juggled my fyp, perf formation, and practices, forgoing a heck lot of sleep, skipping dinner to make time for the team, overslept when i instructed everyone to come punctually (which they did...). It's a cost, but every leader has the responsibility of the group and the people assigned to him or her. The members burdens must be the leader's burdens, something I hope I can better learn to care more for my members.

2. Pushing boundaries.

It suddenly dawned upon me. I've been pushing some major boundaries in the context of song signing. I've made a performance that everyone never stops moving (Waka waka), one that's pretty badass synchronization (change a heart change the world), gesturish performance (to the sky), shortest time for internal perf, 1 nite (dj got us falling in love), shortest external perf-3days (Big time rush), formal concert (grandioso), and maybe more that I dont remember. I mean really, of course the credit is not all mine. It'll never be possible without my friends' support, partners empowerment and member's cooperation. But I'm just glad I be have managed and be part of these feats, and pushing these boundaries outwards. Keep succeeding yourself, find every little way to improve and refine, and of course to challenge limits. Never settle for anything less than better.

I'm glad I got this chance to lead the team again in performing. I do have my ego in terms of being recognized and appreciated, but I'm happy that for one, this time I really felt happy to see my members perform and grow. I think that's really all that matters.

I thank everyone for their encouragement and support through this week, reminding me of our pass success, hearing me rant, and coming down to be there. I hope it'll be a good experience and meaningful memory for everyone to look back on next time and then you all will continue to grow and progress from here on. Ah, I also hope that all of you will aspire to guide and watch over the next generation as you take the roles of seniors.

And yea, dont forget the chorus yea =)

Go on shake it up what you gotta lose
Go make luck with life you choose
If want all, lay on line
Only life you got, so go live big time

Do your part, stop the hurts,drop the tantrums

2011-11-24T17:41:00.006+08:00

I detest people who think they can get what they want by throwing tantrums. Yea, you'd get your way sometimes but people only give in to you because you're immatured. You waste other people's time playing hard to get and being difficult. If that's the success you want in life, go ahead and be some lowly leech that lives off the goodwill of your family, friends who care for you, and kind people that bother to give part of themselves to entertain your selfish nonsense.

Grow up. If you want something, ask. If you dont get what you ask, move on. Life isn't a bed of roses for everyone. You can keep asking if you want, but there's absolutely no need for you to dwell in self-pity and hurt the people who care for you by engaging in spiteful behaviours.

And I mean this to everyone. Dont snub people off when they're making an effort just simply because you're unhappy. Dont drop your responsibility just because people don't agree with you. I know it feels nice to be valued, and to have people go out for you specially, and hence people employ the "Sometimes you need to run just to see who will come after you" trick to test the waters. A little self-assurance is necessary every now and then, but to overuse this method like the way a baby cries for food is annoyingly narcissistic.

Firstly you use up resources of the ones who sacrificially come after you to assure you, and sometimes people don't have enough to get to you. It's not that they dont want to, you just caught them in a difficult position where by you hide in your self-absorbed world gleefully fantasize the anticipation of how nice it would if someone came, whereas he or she has to make a difficult choice between, having to worry about either you, or whichever other circumstance they forgo for you. And it's really dumb when you make assumptions that no one cares for you in an unfortunate coincidence that your test completely backfires and you realize no one's there. There can be many possibilities for these. One, refer back to my previous point. Two, people care and many do, just that they don't recognize your cries or simply do not know what to do. And three, it turns out no one cares. Ok dam the feeling sucks alright, but tell you what, the irony of it is that you're not alone, in terms of facing this. there's many people out there struggling with that same loneliness. People handle it differently, some hide it, some pretend not to know it, some deal with it in positive sublimination. But just like you, there are people finding that companionship, some sooner than the others. It's ok to feel sad, but its not okay to tear yourself down in self-pity. So yea, don't play games in which you comfortably soak in the attention of people coming out for you just because it feels good, people have their limits to, and they're not even obligated to go lengths for you. They do, because they care enough so stop abusing it.

There are better ways to help yourself feel happy . Appreciate the little things you have and stop envying. The world is with enough hurts, no one needs any of these little hurts and trouble stemming from selfish gratifications. It's snowballing into a ridiculous chain of needless hurts that you're a recipient of, but you don't have to feed it. Do your part, stop the hurts, one day, it'll come back to you.

You'd never let me go

2011-11-24T00:09:00.002+08:00

I sing to You Lord, a hymn of love for Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms, You'd never let me go,
through it all.

This song sung in cell comforted me greatly today. When I'm alone and needy, God always there to carry me through. You'd never let me go no matter what.

Papa, am I that hard to accept? =/ Why do the closest people turn away and hate me?

Love never fails

2011-11-23T11:05:00.006+08:00

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

[Corinthians 13:4-7]

I'll make it a point to recite this every morning.

Rainbow after the rain.

2011-11-23T10:58:00.004+08:00

Things are so hard now. I wonder how much more difficult it can get. I'm almost turning numb to the heartaches. I dearly miss the times when there was much more joy and people in my life. But through it all, I'm thankful for it all. I can only say it adds colours to my life and I await the rainbow after the rain. Just have to persevere through the storm.

In ever trial, there is a lesson to be learnt and character to be built.

To abide with you overcomes all.

2011-11-20T00:42:00.002+08:00

Dear God,

It's getting harder to hold on to her. Things are becoming more extreme.

Each time I just feel so defeated. The heartaches, the worries, and my own failures that adds it up. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, no matter how much I try. My efforts always turn up futile against the odds of circumstances.

Pa, I'm tired. Tired of trying non-stop and still failing. I'm lonely. Lonely of having to carry this burden alone by myself. I'm dejected. Dejected of my little never being good enough for them. I'm unhappy. Unhappy with the flawed person I am and the failures I have.

Pa, I don't know. I don't know how to hold on to them, even though deep inside I know they mean something to me. I don't like that I'm doing things that hurt them, yet I'm don't even know how to change out of it. I don't know what to do, to help myself make them feel love.

Pa, my heart hurts a lot. It hurts a lot whenever she coldly disacknowledges me whenever I try to talk to her or do something. Sometimes I try not to think about it, but inside I feel so worthless, like I'm someone not even worth giving a look at or cared about. I really hate that feeling, I really hate it. It's hurting me so much, it breaks my soul every time it happens. I wish she'd stop.

I care for her, I really do. But why do I keep hurting her and the people around me? Why is it that I sincerely want to change, yet I'm unable to pull it off, and it only looks like hypocrisy to them. I want to undo all the hurts I keep causing, yet in the process things get worse. And in the end, no one recognizes the difficulties I'm trying to conquer with my scarred hands.

Pa, I can't take the pain. Every day, I just want to drop it all, run away from it. I tell myself each time, I want to go. The heart aches of watching her waste herself away, to despair, to self-harm, I hate that feeling so much, and like there's nothing much I can do about it in my strength.

But I'm reminded always, that I cant give up, I mustn't give up. Love endures. Every time the next conflict happens, everything in me screams for a release, yet my heart tells me to hold on, just a little bit longer and some good will happen one day. I know that even in my weakness, and flaws of creating all the mess, I shouldn't give up. That I need to look past the pains and keep persevering. I have been, but it's becoming just so hard.

Pa I don't want to focus on these pains anymore. I don't want to keep seeing the hurts. I really cant do this by my own works. Only You can make a miracle. Only you can make a way. Pa, I really give up, I give up trying so hard to do all these. I just want to look to You and trust in You now. I surrender in my weakness.

Pa, I'm desperate. I'm at the verge of the cliff. I don't want to lose her. She's precious to me. But only You can take me where my feet cannot bring me. Only You can take me to the depths of love my own flawed heart cannot. I dont want to do this for myself anymore, because it no longer means anything. All I just want for her is to be happy, genuinely.

Pa, it's so very difficult, the piercing heartaches, but Pa, You love me, and I know You love her so much. The extent You would go, to leave behind 99 to find one who went lost. To pursue can chase with everything You would. The distance you would go for her, Pa I know I can't do any less. I want to have that same love that You have for her. My sufferings are nothing compared to yours.

Pa would you please help me abide in your love, that I may too reflect off that unfailing love. Father help me to go out for her the way You would. Beyond the pain, beyond the cost. Help me to love her in a wholesome manner. Remind me to not use my own strength in this. To lift up all the worries and pain to you.

Be the center of this all. Only you can make the impossible possible. The unthinkable a reality. And Your grace is made perfect in my weakness. Pa I ask that you render me useless that i can wholly rely on you.

Let me abide in you, to find a love that surpass my own limitations, that I'll be able to touch her life, and that she can find true love in you as well. All in all Pa, I don't want to do this anymore. I lift this up in spirit. For your love, and for her. Help me to overcome the greater obstacles ahead. More sacrifice and pain awaits, but let my eyes be on for You and the greater goal. I know it'll be worth it all.

Father, I pray for your protection over her, watch over her path and keep her from harm. Be with her in times of loneliness, a comforter and friend. Heal her from the hurts that has been done to her, by me and anyone else. Restore the meaning and purpose in her heart. Let your favour be upon her in everything she embarks on. Father would you guide her to an understanding and acceptance of your love. Clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and replace it with your joy and peace. That your grace and mercy be with her. Man may fail, but your love remains unfailing.

Father change me to become a stronger and better person. Grant me the ability to do what I cannot. Let your grace be perfected in my weakness. To love where my heart ceases, to keep, to protect, to cherish everyone around me. Empower me to be a vessel of your love, and out of that natural heart, your abundance will flow. To see past the pain and difficulties, in the shadow of your great measure of long-suffering, for that final trophy of gain I will pursue.

Cos you alone can rescue, and you alone can save. Not by my works, but by the word of your will. I want to set my heart right before you. In honour and exaltation. You are above all. Let thy works unfold in a miracle, and may my heart give praise in everything. You are the hope of the hopeless, the light in the dark, the love in our emptiness, the friend in our loneliness, the comfort in our sadness, the refuge of our haven, the acceptance of the rejected, just measure of the oppressed.

I want to abide in You.

Incomparable Value

2011-11-13T19:18:00.005+08:00

Life is greatly governed by the choices we make in response to our circumstances. No matter how tempting, or how pressing a dilemma, the choice is made by our own will. The worst of course, is when you're pivoted between two extreme circumstances, when neither choice would be a pleasant one. Then again, there are choices that cant be weigh out simply by measuring pros and cons, or majority rules. It's a whole new level when it involves people.

Been through a few difficult choices myself. Giving up an envied secondary school experience to be homeschooled. To stop dwelling in self-pity from past issues, putting aside my anguish to serve others. To dive into my fears with faith.

One of the toughest decision was particularly antagonizing. "Who would you choose to save if two of your loved ones were drowning at opposite ends and you only had time to rescue one?" A stereotypical question that challenges the values and priorities of one, said sometimes out of jest or pique. But it's no laughing matter when it becomes a reality, that terrible burden of extremity the fate of two lives lies responsible in your hands. And then some choices give you the luxury of time, harder ones dont.

Things get complicated when you try to assign a value to things, or worse people. Some things despite a difference in value, are incomparable on the same scale. Placing friendship over a life passion or dreams can be understandably difficult, but prioritizing between the happiness of two close friends makes everything horrible. Either one friend would have the fortune of been the chosen one, but neither one choice would make the one deciding feel any good about it. How does one bring about the message of having to let go of you, no amount of apologies or reason can ever offset the devastation it would bring on that person yet it doesnt bring any less pain to make such a decision To someone so special I could only mouth out a pathetic shameful "sorry" wishing I never have to apologize for such reasons ever again. It didnt meant I valued you less. I valued you differently.

Rule of the thumb. Don't compare. And don't bet yourself against another person.

but you forced me.

Cowardice

2011-11-08T12:19:00.003+08:00

Coward:
a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.

Are you one?

Uncertain Paths of Certainty

2011-11-07T22:51:00.003+08:00

Intended to do my fyp today but was mostly sickish the whole day. Spent most of the day lying and sleeping in the refuge of the water.

Thought about many things as usual.

Friends are a hard topic for me. Wish I didn't have to be this way. And I wondered as well, would it be worth it? If I pressed on, without knowledge of the end. Would we walk down the years together? Would we be a passing memory in each others diaries? Would we be a grudge of broken dreams and promises?

Recent inspiration I pondered. Would you still be with someone if there'll be 99 days of heartache but 1 day of true love.

Knowing the final day of true love, we'll know that it'll be worth it. For that 1 day of true love outweighs the suffering and pain. The joy outshines the pain, making it worthwhile. And it's surely a beautiful thing, probably makes a good story to tell too.

But then what if you couldn't saw an end, the other side of it? There's a path to take, but a shroud of mist guarding it. Pebbles and sharp rocks strewn all over the ground. Uncertainty lies ahead. Nobody knows how long the path stretches on. You can only so imagine what the prize might be.

Some people skip past for a safer bet. Some grab the opportunity regardlessly. Some tread cautiously. Some turn back halfway. Some lose hope. Some stop after finding something likable. Some steer off-course. Some lose strength at the final hurdle.

Only a few make it to the end, with an achieving taste of joy and well saying the journey was worth it all. A declaration only boldly made by those who experienced the arduousness. Like a career built on hardwork and perseverance. A university/college entry earned by endless academic mugging. The flavour of a treasured friendship battered by bouts of conflicts and difficulties. Isn't that the morale behind every grand story, an inspiration for what we couldn't or in fact, didn't do.

The paths we take determine the stories of our lives. Dont live in regrets, wishing you would have done something different. Nothing is impossible when there's a will. However big or wide or long an obstacle, if you really want to cross it, you'll be dam sure to find one across somehow. Some paths have heavier burdens but the end of it is always worth it, always. Let faith and love take your hands and guide you through the pain.

Who Am I?

2011-11-06T21:53:00.002+08:00

Today spent a great deal of time alone. A good break from everyone and everything. A sad thought came to me though. Maybe the reason why I can never genuinely cherish the closeness of others was because I never felt that way too. Truthfully, I cant see my worth in peoples eyes too. Have always think of myself as a passing person to everyone too.

Objectively, I think I should be of some importance to others. He said it, she did as well. Yet, somehow, I cant never understand those feelings, only the literal meaning of the words. Hence, I don't know how to reciprocate it. Sometimes I cause even more pain for that matter.

I know I'm selfish. I only think of myself, and I don't really look out for others, I dont truly understand people around me. I wish I could really. I hate the way I am, forever looking out for myself only. Growing up alone, I've gotten so used to fend for myself it comes as a natural instinct. I only talk about myself, think about myself, focus on myself.

I love knowing that I made a difference for someone. It gives me a really warm happy feeling, that I meant something to someone, though temporarily.

I dont know what I truly am to people. It's a question I ask myself everyday. A question I dare not think an answer to. Sometimes I feel like people are around me cos I'm fun, or nice. Honestly, I wonder if im just someone people want something from. Friendship, love, help. What if its not me they want. What if I stopped being nice, stop trying that hard to make myself work, would there still be people for me?

But to be fair, I shall believe that maybe I'm genuinely something to someone. Lol. I just realized I used "something" and not "somebody/someone". Guess being a "thing" is honourable enough for me. Owells, just dunno how to open my heart to receive. It's a vicious cycle of not appreciating those who truly do, hurting them unnecessarily. And my closeness probably causing others to be the same towards me as well

Hate having to write about myself. Hais, just a way to have someone stand up for me, even if that someone is myself. Emo day heh. Guess whatever it is, I'll still keep pushing on.

Maybe for once this doesnt have to be my fault...? Inside, I'm always blaming myself for anything that happens. for making mistakes, for not doing things I should, ... For being not good enough,

I don't know. I really wish it doesn't have to be me now. I know I tried my best, I really did. After all endless repetition of rejection despite trying sincerely. Maybe I didn't do enough still.

When can I ever be good enough for someone. When can I stop improving such so people will accept me. When I can I stop trying so hard to be perfect.

Guess it wont end. So just save the explanation and stick with it.

Down the path of true friends

2011-11-06T01:40:00.005+08:00

I'm sorry that something like that had to happen. I tried what I could yet it still did. Watching you go down that path deeper and deeper. Almost had to take an ultimatum but stopped at the final moment because I trusted you. But I guess we all make mistakes, some greatly regrettable. But the most important thing is that we learn from it. Or it'll just be another round of painful costs.

Then again, I'm still quite touched you would come to me. After almost betraying your trust on that extreme move, I'm glad I'm someone you can turn to. Being the preachy insensitive robot I a bit better with my irrational thought that I'm nothing to others. Me going down wasn't something I really wanted to, but I pushed myself to, to be a good and maybe true friend. I'm happy I managed that, and I hope I can do the same for my friends as well. To go further and improve as a better friend. Especially for those I've left behind.

Pity though, that valuable experience came with a price, and that I'll leave for another story.

For I am fearfully and wonderfully created

2011-10-27T00:04:00.004+08:00

Was thinking of art and craft for piggy banks for my student care project when I had a flashback memory during my homeschool years. In that vague flashback, I saw one piggy bank, painted with an array of water colours. And there’s another one, a hippo, beautifully painted a mix of dirty green, irregular strokes of yellow and brown distorting it.

Beautiful? It sounds more like ugly than it would be considered pleasing to the eye. But I remembered it as beautiful, because my mom told me so.

You see, these piggy/hippo banks were small merchandises my mom was helping to sell, and she brought them home for us to see. They came in various animals, made of plaster and there was a set of water colours in red blue and yellow to decorate them with. We being kids, excitedly wanted to give it a try, and my mom gave(bought) us two.

The water colours however weren’t of pretty good quality, expected much eh, and while trying to paint my first hippo, I used too much water and the colours started to run. The more I tried to salvage it, the worse it got. The combination of the three colours formed a brown mix that ran lines down the side patches of colours. I got panicky and flustered at the failure it was becoming. I turned to my mom, with this morose look, unsure of what I was to do with myself. (You know the way we relate our works with who we are)

In my mom face, I saw this spark twinkle in her eyes. With a comforting smile in her face, she excitedly took up my hippo and a paintbrush and started doing her thing. Well, in my opinion back then, I thought she was kinda making it look worse HAHA. After giving it a final touch up, she held the hippo high up and exclaimed how pretty it was. Well I genuinely thought it still look dam ugly, like a yellow hippo that lived in a sewage pipe.

But with the sincerity in her eyes, and the feel of her unpretentious words, somehow the acceptance flowed in, and it didn’t matter if it looked like some art failure, it was her child, and just as it is, anything was beautiful already. And it’s funny how I got suddenly reminded by little things these days, brings a tear to my eyes.

But something else came to mind too, for all who have troubled relationships with their parents, or that your parent have being the ones to have hurt your esteem. For all those people out there, there’s still someone who loves you the way you are, for who you are. No matter the mistakes, no matter how broken, no matter how screwed up a mess you may be, He still watches over you with the same unchanging love every day. God loves His children, beautifully, wonderfully, and purposefully made.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalms 139:14

We are precious and lovely because He made us, and not what we’ve made of ourselves.

God bless you with this song.

One man's luxury is another man's miracle

2011-10-24T22:55:00.003+08:00

My first home visit today. Tagged along with one of the social worker. Quite simple for starters, much like what we do in Counseling module, just that it no longer is a mock case. It calls for real time tact, responsibility and a whole set of problems that diversifies reality.

Similarly, it's also saddening to see the struggles of Singaporeans hidden behind the acclamations of a prosperity. There the marginalized struggle to make ends meet. Just bought a new iPhone for $550+ bucks? That's equivalent to the arrears they're trying to pay off, before the the 31th day adds another load on their 4 digits bank accounts. What we can afford for luxury is a miracle enough to pay off the debt of another, which only brings takes them out enough of deficit.

Cherish your things. Many of us are blessed to live comfortably, and sometimes with extra bonuses. But in your comfort, don't forget the needy, the poor and the homeless out there. They exists in great numbers, just merely unknown, and unseen to the selfish eyes.

Be thankful you are blessed, go bless someone else too.

Deaf Mission Conference

2011-10-23T22:29:00.004+08:00

Back from the deaf conference in Phil. It's such a great experience that words cant fully capture the things I've learnt and felt. It's a different thing altogether, uniquely only to the people present. Been to really random conferences now heh, deaf missions, homeschool.

The overall highlight would be actually seeing firsthand a deaf community, and an international one at that. Singapore, Malaysia, Philippines, Indonesia, Japan, Korea, China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, America, (all that I can remember for now). Yet even with different backgrounds, cultures, and languages, it was pretty amazing to see how everyone could be gathered together in communion, reaching out to one another, bridged by a combination of common gestures and and body expressions.

At the same time, the participants of the conference comprised of quite a bunch of people in the deaf ministry, ranging from pastors, reverends and many other people. But on the other hand, everyone felt on the same status, that wasn't much of segregation on levels, everyone interacting as equals. It took me some time to realize me a random nobody was casually signing and joking to another seemingly normal person and that some of them were pastors and so when I asked about their work. The intimacy present regardless of the status we all had made it feel so sweet and family like. Much different from the contemporary churches today. I'm thinking being in missions trains you to build relations, and maybe it's something I gotta prepare for.

And then there's two memories I would love to keep as stories.

One was the stimulation overload of having 5 translations going concurrently in real time. Taiwan speaker (sign) to chinese voice, to english translated, and then back to asl sign, coupled with Japan's signing. Having 3 people on stage while listening to two voices in different language in a small room was certainly one of the coolest sight of interpretation I've ever seen.

Second one's more inspiring. The two Americans was definitely something one couldn't pretend not to see. One of them was both deaf and blind, if you could even imagine the impact of that dual disability. And he is still able to overcome it through reading sign language via his friend being his reflector. With one hand. Amazing much. Finally plucked up the courage to talk to them on the 3rd night. Him holding my hands to read my signs, and then ending our chat with a big hug. One of the best quotes I love from him was, "I can still see God, I can still hear God." Doesn't matter where we are, what sufferings we face, with our eyes fixed on God, anything..., anything is possible.

Rush Hour

2011-10-18T12:39:00.003+08:00

Went back to school today. It was noon and the bus stop was packed, about 2.5 busloads of 184's. And the buses weren't coming too frequently either. Annoying as it was, there was this sense of nostalgia. Using a combination of expert tactics, precise estimation of where the bus stops, the right body positioning, spotting tiny gaps in the crowd to squeeze, swiftly outmanoeuvring through them. It's actually quite fun, though not when you're running late already.

It's amazing though, how a single bus stop aptly captures the dog-eat-dog world struggle. One early student is equivalent to another one later. Everyone’s fighting for themselves, the nice ones lose out, friends get separated, people get left behind, and it’s a poignant system to be in.

Stuck

2011-10-16T00:04:00.004+08:00

Was asked by a few friends how my ministry service went. Wasn't the usual "awesome" reply I would give, but a dampening sigh of disappointment.

Was looking all forward for my chance to interpret again. Prepared the songs quite a few times trying to remember all the lyrics right. Was ready to be able to present my best to them, perhaps hopefully to impact them in a way too.

But no. Happened to take the lift, and for all the luck in the world, it had to get stuck, right where I could hear the music playing out there. Yet being in a lift with 9 other people cramped without the space to move.

And then someone asked the crowd in the lift, what we could learn from this.

The lesson I learnt: Man proposes; God disposes.

Was really upset that I missed my chance for interpreting, been waitin for it for weeks, after having change my schedule slot twice for it. Losing it all at the choice of casually taking the lift which I seldom did.

And the thing I had to learn was, if I may humble myself, no matter what I can make for myself, if God chooses my path otherwise, my efforts would be futile. Prayed that I would be kept humble and for God's purpose. Missing out this chance was like a heartpiercing stab and slap to the face. A painful loss, yet something I know was justly done as well.

Humility is a tough one to learn. A the price of pride is often a costly one. Especially when you invest your heart into making it something you'd be proud of. So invest wisely, where you give your hearts to.

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 6:19-21

Intern +7

2011-10-14T23:10:00.002+08:00

It's one week of intern down, and it's been such a great experience. look forward to each day, meeting my friendly colleagues, hoping to be able to help in any way I can. Heading over to the before-and-after school care to help and spend time with the kids. And they're always greeting me with such energy and excitement.

Had to step out of my comfort zones to do phone calls to recruit participants for the upcoming program. Man, if you know me, you'll know I hate making calls, especially formal calls. Stared at the phone, terrified of touching the headset for a whole hour. Yeap. And finally after watching a demo by my colleague, I had a return call, without any time to prepare. Damn, it was exciting. =)

Quite enjoy the time here, looking forward to what's to come. Been thinking of my FYP and might be going for an old idea of food redistribution. Seems good, though manpower's a concern.

Gonna be interpreting for ministry tomorrow, cant wait =)

Glimpse of Adulthood

2011-10-11T20:20:00.003+08:00

It's the second day of intern and it sure does feel different. Though my team is still friendly can casual, still got to be more professional than as together with friends. I'm feeling it'll be pretty soon before I miss school life and the freedom of a student.

Reminds me of a weird cycle we humans have.

When we're young, we cant wait to grow up. When we're old, we try our best to stay young. Similarly, remember the times we hated studying, or even as we did, couldn't really see the point of its necessity. How school was ever so boring and couldn't wait to get over with it. Then came adulthood, when one is almost compelled, without choice, thrown into the commercial world. Where life is determined by one's capabilities, and measured by your output. Little remains of that freedom and once carefree life, a privilege blinded by those with surplus til the moment they lose it.

I miss people. I miss the joy of being in the company of everyone, even if I never talked to them. Somehow, after you're in the place for long enough, part of you settles in that home somewhat.

Many more days to come, more responsibility to take on. So much to learn, and I'm sure I'll find a place there. Time to learn to let go and let be. =)

Day -1 to Intern

2011-10-07T14:25:00.004+08:00

The mood's kinda settling in. It's my final day of the holidays and I'll be starting intern next week. Filled with a lot of nervousness as well as worry as to what the new phase of life would entail. Kinda mellow atmosphere, decided to make use of the day meaningfully. Tidied the house, read a bit, went out to grab lunch, write a few nice things, before left missing the company of everyone in Zero Hour Camp.

Quite nervous in having to take on a professional role, but opposite to the typical carefree and unrestrained nature I often have. The responsibility is also greater, it's no longer just daily interaction with friends, but a service provided towards an organization and its clients.

At the same time, really afraid of losing the bonds made through the Hi Club family. Internships' gonna take up a lot of me time, including the precious Saturdays. By the time I'm home I'll probably be worn out. Knowing my style of not communicating much through msn, there's gonna be little chance of me visiting Hiclub often. With the new friendships made with the year one's all the more I wouldn't want to leave it. It's like this family feel once again that we briefly lost and now I gotta go. Just gonna hope everything falls into place, maybe I'll still get a chance to visit it.

I'll miss Hi club and all the people in it. I'll miss that one big family.

Now the purpose of the commandment is love from a pure heart, from a good conscience, and from sincere faith

1 Tim 1:6

Zero Hour

2011-10-06T15:45:00.005+08:00

And they say, "save the best for last"

This camp has been a blast, everything falling into place so perfectly. The best partner, the best group, the best comm. I don't know what else I could ask for aside for the hope that this family feeling and attitude will continue one in Hi club and its generation to come.

As for myself, I've learnt much too.

Reliance.

Partnership has always been a major issue for me. I dread the moments I have to work with a partner such as performance, and other task. I have my own perspectives and depth at the way I do things, and I understandably know the difficulty and frustration I often give my partners due to the way I work. I much enjoyed the moment during Famine Camp when I was the sole facilitator of the group, without the need to worry whether I'm over dominating my partner, or that I'm being insensitive to their needs.

It's quite the same for this camp. My past experience as a GL and the failure I was to my previous partners. However, my first encounter of working together with her somehow gave me a different feel from most of my previous partner, someone who was willing to stand on equal grounds with me.

There's so much I'm thankful to her for. JS if you're reading, this is for you =) I love the way how's you're always so bubbly with a smile, forever laughing and making everyone else laugh as well. For your buay hiao bai -ness and how you need to dig your ears or cut hair because you hear the wrong words half of the time. I really appreciate your straightforwardness, yet with a personal touch. The constant support you given somehow made me feel there was someone I could rely on, something I haven’t felt for a really really long time. Your reliability, depth and your ability taught me how to trust, to let go of the need of having to always be in control. And I love how I actually dare to let you do the things I'd rather do myself to get it well done, and seeing how you do it so perfectly in your own ways too. I'd loved hearing your ideas and thoughts whenever you expressed them, and I wished I sought your counsel more. You make people feel safe, and I able to find comfort behind you. The way you reach out to the campers, being there with and for them, especially for song signing. Seeing them improve under your watch and guidance, your heart in caring for the people around you has touched me. Sorry for the two nights I left you and the group waiting, and sorry for the times I did things without you. Thank you for your full support even when I make mistakes.

Jing Shan, thank you for being my partner and allowing me to experience so much. You make an awesomely good GL and you're the best GL partner I could ever ask for.

And really, to my most awesome group, I don’t know what else to say. From the very first day, how they stuck together, filled with enthusiasm. Looking out for one another with synchronized teamwork in all the activities. A heart that is ready to learn, both for sign language and values. Your determination and perseverance in keeping up with signing. It has been a great joy to watch you all grow and improve so tremendously. And of how you deserved every piece of the final puzzle.

And thank you all for the special effort to write those heartwarming notes. I'm really touched and kinda teared a bit. Thank you for all that appreciation, it really means a lot to me. I'm glad to have been a good GL to the group and being able to pass on my experiences and signings.

I'm happy to be able to share this tender first camp with every one of you, and I hope that you all will find more in the time to come. I'll be watching you all from wherever I am. And here's the Clover's song specially dedicated to Jing Shan firstly, and then to the awesome people of Clover.

cause without you here, I'm the loser of the year

Clean Slate

2011-09-28T16:11:00.006+08:00

Pencil: I'm sorry, Eraser.

Eraser: For what? You didn't do anything wrong.

Pencil: I'm sorry cos you get hurt because of me. Whenever I made a mistake, you're always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.

Eraser: That's true. But I don't really mind. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day, I know I'll be gone and you'll replace me with a new one, I'm actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad. :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

We're all made to love one another. To give and to receive.

To cherish and not forget

2011-09-28T01:20:00.003+08:00

It's because I've always been searching for a special something in my life that it relates in the way how I maintain my relationships with people, often without a complete investment of the heart.

Though now I really want to learn to cherish the people around me. Stop looking and start holding. Still trying hard to reconfigure my unconscious and subconscious mental states.

At the same time, there's so many people I'd really love to keep in my life, though unfortunately I lack the ability to. Hope i'll be able to fully enjoy and appreciate all those around me for the moment. Don't want to brea any of their hearts by my ways, and the same time, slowly push myself to expand my limits.

2 things to note:

1. Cherish
2. Don't forget

Rain in the Sunshine

2011-09-26T01:07:00.000+08:00

The sun's out in the perfect spot, just enought light the surroundings with vibrant display of colours in a way that was rarely seen and appreciated. Seems like a start of a good day until a series of thunder starts booming in the background.

To what could have been the start of a great day, now ruined. or is it? Life often has it ups and downs, clear skies and dark clouds, sun and rain. Everyone of us goes through the same process, just from different situations and perspectives.

Often, while things are still good, people begin to worry about the bad that can happen. When the friendship would end, the chance of making another mistake, what others would think of them and all the other endless little concerns under the sun even before a single drop of rain has fallen. Some people worry so much about the end happening that by the time they got past worrying, its the end.

Rain doesnt always mean something bad. Sometimes it just means we have to find alternatives. Having to postpone outdoor trips, change of outing locations or plans, finding a alternate sheltered path to your destination. Life takes often detours, sometimes so we can learn new things, sometimes because we arent ready, sometimes for a special purpose.

The rain can be refreshingly fun, if we bring ourselves to enjoy it.

Unhappiness

2011-09-25T16:43:00.002+08:00

Have you ever wondered if the source of your unhappiness was yourself, because you choose to hold on to your past?

Happiness, or the lack of, comes from within. No one or thing can make you happy. It's only because you choose to allow yourself to be happy with those things.

Holding on so tightly to the past issues and hurts is what stops us from receiving the things we need to resolve them. It disables us to give out love, and to receive love from the people around us.

Imagine if all the years of your life you've spent in misery and unhappiness, was simply because you never allowed yourself to be?

Common Sense

2011-09-23T08:51:00.000+08:00

An Obituary printed in the London Times: Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Upturn

2011-09-18T04:11:00.003+08:00

I feel happy tonight. It's been a really long time since I felt this way. Beginning to feel God in my life again, His peace and joy. After a good darn semester of straying away in my own strength, and finally deciding to turn back and it feels good, and really nice =)

Without God I wouldn't last. As far as it has been, all the ups is when im focused, and the downs when i lose focus. And downs doesn't refer to the bad times, its the time I feel so crappy and lose hope in everything.

I hope I can continue this. Don't want to lose sight again. I really miss where and what I used to be.

Arms of the Kraken

2011-09-16T22:32:00.003+08:00

My feet all snugged up in the soft sand while looking out on the shore, watching all the happy faces splashing about in the water. The borders of waves distinctly separated the people into two entities. The ones already in the water, leaving those on land either preferably staying dry, or those yet to be preyed on and dragged to the other 'side'. It's been awhile since I swam and I wasn't thinking of getting wet. Most of them, had no intention either. But regardless the circumstances, without choice, those that shouldn't, wouldn't and couldn't swim, one by one they got dragged in to their fate. A fate most of us rejected strongly until swept away by a team of determined folks. Once our skin touched the water, we knew it was over.

The beauty was seeing how everyone embraced the water right after the few seconds of despair and struggle. In time, almost everyone who was caught in the arms of the Kraken was having fun in the water, as though they were naturally part of it. A extreme change of feelings that is. And it was as though whatever that held as back previously was now an unchangeable fact. We were wet, dirty, sticky and uncomfortable in all manners. And there's nothing we could change about that, well aside for our clothes, not that everyone brought extras anyway. It wasn't the usual state we'll be in, but still something tolerable, something, when made the most out of, becomes endlessly enjoyable.

Love, unknowingly

2011-09-15T20:57:00.002+08:00

“And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16 NKJV

Then I must have strayed far away, because everything that I know of now, feels least like abiding in God or Him in me. It's been half a year already, and thing's been really rough. I really wish this would end.

Is it possible to love someone you don't know?

Love.

2011-09-15T17:52:00.005+08:00

Watch this, if you would, and God bless your soul as you do. Use fullscreen since my border doesnt allow me to increase the video size

Silence

2011-09-15T01:45:00.003+08:00

Silence. I hate it. I really do.

[Hidden]

Boomerange Rock

2011-09-14T01:37:00.002+08:00

Need to get my life a u-turn.

I've been holding on to this rock in my life for so long. It's the burdens I'm holding on to that stopping me from loving others, and receiving it. I've been guarding it, covering it with layer and layer of protection, calcifying the form of it. And now that it's become so heavy, it takes a great deal of effort to move it away, so that I can love others or to open myself.

And there's a great deal I'm trying to find in others, but they're things I'd never find, and thus I need to redirect all this energy into the true Source. Even though its intangible, it's there. Need to learn to let go.

Broken friendships playing like a broken record

2011-09-13T03:41:00.002+08:00

Each night, the same feelings replay as if I was stuck in a time loop. Facing each day with a hope and resolve, and ending the nights feeling broken and like a failure. And heh, it's going again. Those missing blanks. Each time I talk to you, I'm anticipating another blank reply. Left in doubts and wild imaginations again. Hais. I really feel like quitting, quitting friendships once and for all, asking everyone to leave. I wished they'll stop liking me, taking an interest to want befriend me. I hate, I really hate, all those empty feelings I make them feel because of the way I am. Excuses it may be, I feel hell dam incompetent, trying to meet up to even basic expectations and requirements. I dont even know how to face him, being so unworthy, and now I doubt if I'll ever make it for her. Thank goodness I didn't try for him again, or not it'll just be another damaging false hope.

I'm spending more hours curled up in the toilet nowadays. Repeating a cycle of thinking for solutions, daydreaming and crying. In my fantasies, I'd love being all vulnerable again, and having people around hold me up, protect me, having the warmth of family bonds. But in reality, it feels like I'm a burden left in people's hearts, an empty promise, a false hope, toying with their gifts and trust of their hearts. And then this sharp pains pierces the heart so much, it feels like it shrivels. And then back again to thinking how I can do something to fix everything up.

During this season, the last thing I think I'd ever know is that feeling of being loved... for who I am, unconditionally accepted and embraced. But well, still trying hard to fit into what people want and hoped I'd be. It's not fully their fault I guess, even though it doesnt feel like I'm making mistakes out of bad choices, the mistake is most likely me, being incapable of fulfilling simple actions and feelings, trying to do and make things I can't, at the expense of others.. Somehow, I think I'm fighting this out for them, and not for myself anymore. There's nothing else I can have to fight for myself but just to change to something better.

And the difficult thing is, the way I am hurts them. Quitting the friendship hurts them as well, and I'm trapped in this endless pain I'm causing others. I wish it was possible, if I could wipe out every relationship and memory of me, walk into a new place, and start all over again. This time, I don't want to have to keep being strong anymore. Now it's like I just have to try my best to until either side gives up.

Emo this might be, but I have my weak sides too, vulnerabilities I have kept far too long. I'd fix this if I could. I wish I could. If there be any solution I'd like to try it. Curling up seems to be the only comfort I can find.

The melody of friendship

2011-09-12T23:59:00.000+08:00

Today was a lovely day. Outing with HiClubbers to Sentosa and it really was a blast. Simply being able to let go of everything, statuses and differences and just chill out with a whole bunch of people. Pretty cool how everyone, except the strict no-no's got thrown, dragged, lugged, carried, tackled, bulldozed, into the sea one by one. It's like after screaming and resisting, once you're in the water, you'll eventually enjoy the water and then there's everyone in the water enjoying and swimming. The abrasions from the sand, the continuous laughter that fills the seashore.

I think if you could piece all the sounds made by friends together, it'll form this really lovely and beautiful melody. The joys of laughter, tears of pain, cheers of camaraderie, breaths of support, questions of concern, oh how they come together, in an unpredictable course of highs and lows yet perfectly orchestrated tune, with memories ringing in echoes. And I really love hearing that tune play over and over again.

Think personally, today had something special for me. Being asked some questions, being threatened (in a good way), haha, somehow touched me. Made me felt cared for, without me having to do something to earn it. Dont know. Haven't really felt this way for a long time, being vulnerable and thus listening and following what others say. I wish I could feel like that again haha. Somehow made me want to look out for them too, but perhaps it wouldn't last long either. Either way, wish I could thank those few people for allowing me to relive those feelings, but I'll probably be gutless to xD

To know God, is to know love

2011-09-11T00:03:00.004+08:00

Hoping alone is not enough to change things. There needs to be transformation.

Need to learn how to love people more, how to cherish them more.

Somehow I know they mean something to me, yet like a wandering spirit, I have little anchor points on what grounds me to people. They come and go in my mind, as though possibly with little value. And I guess you can't find security in the unpredictability of the wind. Maybe they don't mean enough to me, for me to just hold on to them like it's all I got.

I've never really been a sturdy anchor. The kind that when it comes to mind, I'll do, and when it doesn't, I'll forget. There isn't a consistency in my relationships.

I know I used to keep searching for something and hence neglected people. But since then, I have kept to what I have, doing things to cherish those around me.

But I realize, in a great part of my life, I still lack love. That genuine love that springs forth naturally as you've put it. Something's lacking. It's like despite all the good knowledge and actions of altruistic selfless, I lack the heart for it. Somehow somewhere I just doesnt feel like the full extent and outreach of love I know I should be feeling. It feels so human. And so, no matter how nice, good, impactful I am, the truth remains that without love, I'll be nothing just as I am now, still an empty soul.

Corinthians 13

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

And though I have an undying hope that pulls me up and a rooted faith in the sovereignty of God, I somehow can only say, I have not yet known love.

For as much as I have relentlessly sought it, maybe it's time I went back to the roots, the calmness in chaos, the peace in strife, the strength in weakness, the grace in lack, the forgiveness in guilt, the love in emptiness.

"God is love" as written in John. and if I don't know love, I dont know God. And I because don't know God, I don't know love.

It's time. I'll need to do something about myself for once. I need to set my heart right. I need transformation.

God please teach me, and open my heart and show me how to love. As I'll learn to look to you, draw me closer to you.

A flick of the switch brings light

2011-09-10T02:47:00.004+08:00

Learnt a really interesting analogy today. It expresses the attitudes that many of us have.

A child is in a dark room, and he tells his mother he wants to see light, and so the mom tells him, go on the switch and you'll see light. The child refuses, saying, "No way. Until I see the light then I'll turn on the switch."

Quite like many of us, don't you think?

We'd want, like, or desire to see something happen, change or come to pass. Yet many of us are unwilling to take the necessary step to do it. We often ask ourselves, why, why do we have to be one to make the first step. But as in the analogy, the law of electricity requires the switch to be turn on by an effort which in turns closes the circuit allowing electricity to pass through, thereby allowing light to be present.

Perhaps we feel that shouldn't be made to turn on that switch, but then in what position do we then deserve to demand to see light. We wanna see the results before we decide whether we'll be turning that switch.

Kinda foolish isn't it, but that's what we all are.

Staring into Virtual space

2011-09-09T00:58:00.002+08:00

Turn on my computer all ready to enter my realm of nothingness and then after 5 min of typical routine through facebook, twitter, daily sites, blogs and whatnot, that feeling of emptiness and being lost returns. Anyone else feels this way?

Seems that my move to quit gaming has decrease the effectiveness of tech-stoning. But then, going back to gaming is does nothing constructive to the state already and I'm tired of living my time pointlessly like that.

Walked the extra-long way home today. Took time to look around and watch the people, thinking what their lives were like. Somehow it made me feel more connected to this world. Looking at drivers heading home, folks waiting by the bus stop, wondering what goes on in their mind and lives.

Maybe that's what links us all humans. To connect to one another. Now that its the holidays and social interaction is pretty low, been feeling quite lonely and stuff. Gotta find something more meaningful to do.

A tingling in the heart; not.

2011-09-08T01:47:00.006+08:00

Loving people should be something easy, isn't it? Yet why do I find it difficult to?

Loving that comes from the heart should be natural and thus readily there. On contrary, I somehow find it exhausting to keep this love actively going, in fact, I shouldn't even be trying this hard. It can't be entirely so that I'll be void of love. I know it exists in me, for my friends, family, and beloved people that come to mind. One death should be enough to let me know the pain of irreplaceable loss, yet my actions speaks little of that dreadful reminder that lingers in shadows of my mind.

Why do I find it so hard to love, the enthusiasm and excitement that typically bursts out of the people around I see.

need to pace myself slowly
step by step I'll do this

Waking from these lofty dreams

2011-09-06T00:38:00.007+08:00

Heh. Somehow, things have become much better thankfully. At the same time, I mustn't forget the purpose I need to serve. There's a great deal I have to settle, the biggest which would be to find that path once again.

Gotta rebuild relationships with three different people.

Her.
Him.
& HIM.

And finally, I really need to improve on myself, for the people around me, for my future. It feels uncomfortable doing it, feels unusual to what I would do. But then again, reality isn't gonna remain an ideal, I shouldn't sit around and wait for things to happen. I'll need to make effort and sacrifice, if it means learning how to treasure people. Time to get myself grounded back to the real world.

"I don't like how you're always sad"
Am I...?

Planted by the rivers of water

2011-08-31T23:01:00.007+08:00

Today's cell went well. But all glory to God. Too caught up preparing for my interview I didn't get to prepare for cell. And on the train ride back was thinking what I could do for cell. Didn't do a too good job last week, cos my head was in a mess.

Nearing bedok was getting worried about the lack of inspiration til finally got a brain blast. The topic was supposed to be on the motives of the heart. And came the idea of playing charades of bible characters.

The gestures used for to depict the characters often was something significant that represented them. And so at the end of the game, we ought to ask ourselves too, if our life were to be acted out, what would it be like? As men and women of God, what would be our story of faith be as it is told to the next generation?

In an analogy, a verse came to mind, Psalms 1 about the righteous, and had it to capture each of our current state.

Mine used to be one that stood tall and strong, a tree that provided shade and protection for the smaller trees around. And in its time, suddenly grew weak. withered leaves, dried out trunk, shriveled branches. And it just feels weird that I'm the weak one now, knowing there are other trees around me still.

However through it all, I can feel and know that God's working through me, tearing everything that's weak down to the roots, to be able to make place for a new one to grow, stronger, mightier and more powerful. I know I'll get through this.

All in all, I'm glad. Thank you God

Cliff Hanger

2011-08-31T03:16:00.004+08:00

Each night is getting more difficult, more lost in this empty world.

Every night I curl up wishing there'll be people around, someone to have the company with. Yet at the same I don't know how.

Things are becoming really hard. I'm not sure why, or how I got here. Fallen into a ditch. It's cold, lonely and sad down here. I'm thinking about myself, I'm thinking about people, it feels like I've lost everything suddenly.

I don't like this feeling at all. I wish I can stop holding on and fall into safe arms. Being too strong for way too long, I forgot what's it like to not be.

Dont come near

2011-08-30T03:57:00.004+08:00

and I realize. I feel uncomfortable when people pursue me. And when I know they're serious and gonna invest in me I fear even more. Everything's cool till they start inching towards me, and then I get paranoid.

I feel like a bomb, something that'll hurt people the closer they are. And inside me, I run each time they try to come near. My inside cries out "Don't come near me."

I'd want to be normal like others, I wanna have friends. but no, I'm something that poses a danger, someone that will bring pain. And so I need to flee, so no one will get hurt. Sorry to the people I keep rejecting

I wish I can find someone safe from my harm, someone I can feel secured in. And that that he/she will take my hand and love me,

and let me know that I'm perfectly alright

The thinnest thread

2011-08-29T04:37:00.001+08:00

It was the second read it that stopped me in my tracks.

And I'm asking myself, has it reached to such an extent. Of hatred, of malice. Its cruel. Not sure if I should be angry or be sorry. The anger tempts me to play my better half of the game, but nothing good's gonna work out if I did that. I assure you if you intended for it, it will be there, but not because you made me feel this way, but because I chose to face my failures.

Do I even have a right to be angry in the first place. After all it is me that have caused you these much hurts. The constant neglect and other missing puzzles. Taking you for granted as the better man. Forgetting you when times are better, making you less of a priority. The pain would be beyond tolerance.

But no, not a toy. Never were a toy, whatever it was. You should know how much she means to me, yet I am unable to make her feel so. And similarly, i probably wont be able to make you feel it either. It doesn't help that my pathetic life cant prove your values to me. Nothing I do helps and I don't know what else to do. It seems that my efforts are trivial, definitely means no more in my eyes yours are than mine is to you. Sorry I'm too pathetic, I cant even make a simple friendship work out for you no matter how I try. I'll just do what I can, somehow.

You shouldn't expect anything out of me, cause there's nothing inside. Sometimes, I cant face you because I know I wont be able to fulfill what you want it to be. You don't deserve some like me anyway, someone unable to reciprocate your friendship. Guess i'm not cut out for it. It's your call. Pull the chute if you cant go on. I wont blame you.

Just a thin line away from losing all the trust,
but I'll keep it there just for the benefit of doubt.

Someone Came

2011-08-29T02:33:00.006+08:00

Someone came. Someone actually came...

Today was surely a platter of emotions of all waves.

Hope to glory in my weakness.
Happiness from which came a chance.
Gratitude for someone who came far out just for me.
Sadness in coping with my failures.
Anxiety from compliments indicating a possibility of good in me.
Guilt in my wrongdoings.
Fear from a presumed intention.
Anger to beat it all back.
Helplessness in not knowing what to do.
Righteousness in keeping to what's right.
Solitude in realizing the battle just got lonelier.
Faith in the hopes of a miraculous future.

It's going to be one tough time ahead. Maybe after so long, it's time I stopped being so strong and allow myself to be weak and helped for once.

It seems there are people there, how many, how real I do not know, but I shall take the risk and jump. If I fall on hard ground, just a pity then. I'll let the future unfold by itself.

Who knows?